Archive | July 2015

“Love Yourself”

Loving yourself, dear reader, is without question, absolutely necessary for any kind of success, achievement, and happiness as a woman.  However, too often women are simply told that they need to forget about their insecurities and just “love themselves.”  Or, better yet, something along the lines of “love yourself or nobody will.”

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While these statements are all true, the approach and intent of this advice is wrong.  A woman who does not fully love herself cannot just decide that she is going to begin cherishing everything about her.  Love is a natural effect, and it can’t be forced in that way.  This advice comes with a tinge of superiority and a lack of empathy and compassion.  Because it is not delivered with love (no pun intended 😉 ) it will not cure her, and in fact will probably make her feel worse about herself.  Moreover, when she is told to love herself, she is told this by people who do not know, do not care, and perhaps can’t understand the very valid and real reasons why she might have beliefs about herself that are less than complimentary.

Those reasons need to be examined carefully, over time, for the woman to come to an understanding about how very special, blessed, and unique she is.  She needs to discover where beliefs such as “I’m not beautiful” or “I’m not intelligent” or any other such limitations came from, and then reject the source mentality as incorrect.

The largest roadblock and limitation for a huge number of women is the belief that they are not beautiful.  It is very difficult for a woman to live in a completely loving state, towards herself, and towards the world, if she does not belief she is a beautiful person, both outwardly and inwardly.  This false belief could have come from any number of sources, all very prevalent and difficult to avoid in our society, a couple of which might include:

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  • Her mother, father, siblings, or other family members and close associates criticized her or made fun of her for some part of her physical attributes, repeatedly
  • Someone compared her to another girl or woman (in real life or even an image or celebrity), at some point, and pointed out how she should look or be more like this; at the time this affected and imprinted her because she didn’t yet know enough to reject that sort of thinking as incorrect

What a woman needs to understand, is that any time anyone told her that, in some way, she was less worthy or less talented, that person was incorrect and speaking from a state of ignorance.  She needs to reject that ignorance and live in the space of knowing that as a woman, solely by virtue of being a woman, she is amazing, talented, beautiful, and capable of all things she puts her mind and attention to.

Each time she thinks or is about to think something negative about herself, a woman needs to pause for a moment and examine that.  She needs to think ask herself why she believes it is acceptable for her to say or think this about herself when she would never dream of saying something so hurtful to another person.  Or she might stop and get in touch with her feminine divinity: as a woman, she is nature’s highest creation and those sorts of thoughts or even openly-voiced criticisms of herself are literally an insult to nature, and to god.

“After women, flowers are the most divine creations.” – Christian Dior

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This is why a man, boyfriend, or husband will also become irritated or frustrated with a woman when she has “insecurities.”  The response is incorrect, as it will not get them what they want, but it is nevertheless illustrative.  A man knows that when a woman feels badly about herself, she is unable to give, and what’s more she is insulting him as well, though she likely doesn’t perceive that.  She is literally sabotaging whatever she is that god created to be loved and a man was designed to admire.

To overcome any past errors and mistakes and to forgive herself of them, no matter how grievous, she needs to understand that those errors came from either ignorance or pain, in herself.  She needs to understand that had she was acting out of beliefs that are false; when she replaces those with the truth, any anger or resentment towards herself and others will vanish.

“When you know better, you do better.” – Maya Angelou

As soon as she realizes that she was doing what she knew at the time, and is not chained to those sorts of beliefs and errors forever, she will be able to forgive herself, “move on,” and stop beating herself up.

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The Zone

There is no need to rush, dear reader, and in fact you should probably slow down.  Nervous energy and frenzied activity do not lead to greater productivity, success, or accomplishments and creations of much true worth or greatness.

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To be your best, do your best, and produce your best, you will certainly need to put in what will be a great deal of effort.  But when you are performing at your highest level, you are in a focused, relaxed state, often referred to as “the zone” or “flow in psychology.

And this is possible because you do not need to figure out where you are going, and why you are doing whatever it is you are doing in that moment – you already know this and are free to simply act.

This is the state of mind required for intimacy, and it is also the state of mind required for optimum activity.  The pursuit of “the zone” is the reason why many people play video games or practice yoga – both aim at the same thing, that state of relaxed control in which you are so focused on your task that you forget everything else, including your own self and ego.  Many successful people from the fields of music, sports, and business describe how their level of competition is related to achievement of “the zone.”

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Business extraordinaire Mark Cuban refers to it as “the edge”:

“That’s what success is all about. It’s about the edge.  It’s not whom you know. It’s not how much money you have.  It’s very simple. It’s whether or not you have the edge and have the guts to use it. The edge is getting so jazzed about what you do, you just spent 24 hours straight working on a project and you thought only a couple of hours had passed. The edge is knowing that you have to be the smartest guy in the room when you have your meeting and you are going to put in the effort to learn whatever you need to learn to get there.  The edge is knowing how to blow off steam a couple times a week, just so you can refocus on business.  That’s what makes business such an amazing sport.  Everyone plays it. Everyone talks about how good he or she is or will be at it. Just a small percentage are.  If you are in a growing industry, there could be hundreds or thousands of strangers trying to figure out ways to put you out of business. How cool is that?!  The ultimate competition. It’s the sport of business. It’s not for everyone, but I love it.”

The zone, dear reader, is not only for male athletes and businesspeople, but it is also for women.

There is a feminine version of “the zone” as well.

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Your mind is not in a dozen different places and directions at once; it is in the here and now, this particular moment.  Perhaps you are preparing a gourmet meal for yourself and your husband.  You aren’t thinking about the five projects you have going at work, your mother’s medical issues, the cute new outfits you want to buy, what Lady Gaga said last week, or even how much your husband will enjoy your cooking.  You think about nothing at all, consciously, but are highly tuned into your task, your movements are fluid and calm, and your full attention is diverted to dicing tomatoes.

Women are very prone to this sort of scattered-mindedness and erroneously label it multi-tasking.  Multi-tasking is something different entirely, when you are able to easily switch from one activity to another, at a moment’s notice without pause or readjustment.

This is also one of the attributes of a woman that will attract a man, almost irresistibly.  Men, whether they admit it or not, want a home, and they will associate “home” with a particular woman.  They seek a place of refuge, of quietude, where they can just be and rejuvenate.  They seek an atmosphere of harmony and love, not one of jarring disquiet and agitation.  A woman’s love and care is an incredibly healing thing for a man, dear reader.  If he can’t find this waiting for him at home, with her, he will be put off and feel a sense of resentment towards the woman, whether he knows the source of those feelings or not.

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When we are in that rushed state, dear reader, we expend a great deal of energy that goes nowhere, which is why we are still unfulfilled and unhappy with our accomplishments when we are in that frame of mind.  We are not being fully efficient and directing our attention and efforts to what matters most to us, and what will have the greatest impact.  If you find yourself feeling frustrated, dear reader, this may be why.

Many women find themselves doing more without getting more in return, and this leads them to burn-out, fatigue, and stress.  It would be better for them to simply stop and do less, taking the opportunity to tune in to themselves and do what will nourish and fulfill them on every level.

Women ~can~ have it all

If there is one view, dear reader, that traditional femininity and modern-day general opinion has gotten wrong – this is it.

For a woman to “have it all” has generally meant that she is able to achieve a high level of success in her work or career as well as with her husband and family.  In short, she is the professional “boss lady” and the domestic goddess at the same time.

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The two are rarely found in the same woman at the same time, but this does not mean it is impossible.

Often-times the woman who is professionally successful, is not successful domestically because she doesn’t understand human behavior as it relates to intimate male-female interactions.  She doesn’t understand what a man is looking for and what will make for a happy relationship, marriage, and home.  She mistakenly attributes this to her lack of time or energy left over after focusing on her professional work, or to the notion that a man is “intimidated” by how successful she is.

Nothing, dear reader, could be further from the truth, or more tragically so.  The success she has achieved is not important to a man – in fact, he will be proud of it if it doesn’t stand in the way of a loving relationship.  What does matter to him is whether or not she will use it to make him feel inferior and unnecessary in her life and whether or not she attempts to attract him with these things.

An unfortunate number of women do not understand men and will attempt to impress a man with her professional accomplishments and abilities.  She does not understand that this is her value as a professional, not as a lover or a girlfriend and wife.  This does not mean that he does not appreciate and admire those qualities in a woman, dear reader.  It means that they are not what will make him fall in love with her.  She may have those qualities, as well as the qualities that will make him fall head over heels for her though – the two are not mutually exclusive.

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Such an attempt to impress and allure men with her professional prowess, will seem like competition to a man.  He will not get it.  He won’t understand the woman’s intention and he’ll be confused.  Because this is not what allures a man or holds a relationship together.

What will enable domestic bliss is a woman’s ability to solve conflicts, to understand and sympathize with the man, and her ability to foster love – to make sure that both she and he are loved, appreciated, and valued.

The art of love, dear reader, is not so very complicated – a woman must do two things in order to be successful at it: she must (1) understand and sympathize with the man and (2) give him adequate opportunities to feel and be useful to her.

At the end of the day, all a man wants to do is to be the cause of a woman’s happiness and joy.  He wants someone to confide in and someone to trust.

What many “career women” have backwards is their idea of how it is supposed to work – they act on the premise that they have to win the man and convince the man of their value.  This is true, dear reader, but not in the sense that they believe.

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A woman acting from the premise that she is a gift to men, and her feminine influence will bring joy and fulfillment to a man’s life will act in the appropriate ways with a man.  She will not attempt to compete with him, but to work with him.  She listens and attempts to soothe his sorrows, while also playfully teasing and encouraging him to make her happy.

What many traditional feminists get wrong is the belief that professional success is simply incompatible with true femininity and domestic success.  They believe that a woman working outside of the home cannot possibly have the time for romance, or to have that relaxed, calm, playful state so necessary to continued happiness at home.  Or that the truly feminine woman would not do well in the still male-dominated “harsh world” of business.

It’s true – a woman must have a sense of what is appropriate and when.  For her to act playful and teasing with her associates at work would be downright distracting and would likely result in many difficult and uncomfortable situations both for her and for her coworkers.  But this is not incompatible with her being that way at home, dear reader.  A woman can be modest and reserved in her professional life, while still maintaining femininity.  In fact, most men would agree that a woman who is modest outside of the home and carries herself professionally is more feminine.  And it is highly unlikely that a single husband would want his wife to reveal too much of her femininity to anyone else but him – he sees it as his exclusive right.

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What many traditional feminists have in mind is the fully absorbed, mechanical, drill-sergeant-like woman.  They believe this is necessary for advancement in the business-world.  Again, this is a fallacy.  Now more than ever, the traditionally feminine skills – listening, strategizing, cooperation, team work – are what is important and what will accomplish the most in an organization.  A woman does not need to transform herself into a man in order to win respect and authority.  In fact, she will probably win it faster and with more ease if she does not.  A few gentle, but firm words, dear reader, are far more effective at both motivating and disciplining someone at work than strong harsh ones, whether they come from a man or a woman.

And in fact, the woman who knows both the arts of femininity as well as what it takes to be a talented professional should be poised to achieve greater success in the office than men because she has an acute knowledge of human nature and knows how to use that to her advantage to achieve a worthy and worthwhile agenda.

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Manners and Etiquette

Manners and etiquette are powerful tools, dear reader; ones which as a woman you should endeavor to learn and cultivate within yourself.

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Why?  Because they will, in large part, determine how much you are able to do with your life.  Contrary to popular belief, class in America and elsewhere is divided more along the lines of ideas and mentality, (i.e. correct behaviors and thoughts), rather than on dollars and cents.  Or, more accurately, developing correct behaviors in yourself will almost invariably bring you opportunities and wealth that simply are not available to those who don’t know how to conduct themselves.

A woman who acts in all cases with respect and dignity, and is always trying to better herself, will not remain long where she is.  She will win the trust and respect of everyone with whom she comes into contact and because of this she will not be involved in petty disputes or difficulties that distract her from becoming the best she can be.  She will advance quickly upwards, as those around her recognize her capabilities and offer her greater responsibilities and positions.

Do you see a man who excels in his work?  He will stand before kings; he will not stand before unknown men. – Proverbs 22:29

Most people would choose to interact and work with the person who has a good attitude and good manners with average intelligence and ability rather than a “genius” who is rude, crass, or simply ignorant of proper etiquette.  This person may attain some success, but will never reach the heights of those great men who have both talent and refinement in manner.

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A woman with “lower class” manners is a one who is abrasive to those around her, and perhaps intolerable as an associate for those with the ability to help her improve as a professional and as a person.

A woman who uses foul language, does not take care of her appearance, or complains about her circumstances will inspire the confidence of no one.  She will impress no one, and can offer little of value to those who might assist her.

She naturally repels people and things that would better her life, and is left wondering why others seem more favored or concludes that she’s simply living in an unfair social structure.

There is some truth there – it is difficult for a woman who was raised in an environment where etiquette and civility were perhaps scoffed at, to understand how much it can do for her.  She will have to undertake its study and seek out examples to model herself after if she did not have any to learn from in the past.

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The development of etiquette and proper manners is for a woman the single greatest undertaking she can engage in to advance herself; and best of all it is free.  While any form of education should be embraced by a woman, the study of proper etiquette will open more doors for her and give her a far greater return on investment than any amount of formal education will – it is my wish that more women understood this truth and used it to their advantage.

Why men get “bored”

Boredom, dear reader, is one of the many reasons why a man may cheat, and is often the cause of the lack of care and attention that women complain of in their relationships and in their marriages.

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All men will become disengaged if they feel that they aren’t connecting with a woman.  He will feel as though he is not being heard, or understood, or that she doesn’t have the ability to read him and respond to him appropriately.  This is really what is happening when a man is complaining that a woman is “nagging” him or if a woman gossips to him.

A woman may be physically attractive, kind, and possess any number of positive traits, but if a man feels that by spending his time with her, he is not bettering himself, as a man, he will get bored.  The type of man who gets bored is looking for a woman who will help him to improve himself in some way.

If a man is bored, he is in need of greater passion, attraction, and play.  This sort of attraction, dear reader, is more on a psychological level than on a physical one.

He wants someone who will catch him off guard at times, who will correct him when he is wrong (tactfully and kindly of course!) and who he cannot “figure out” or read easily at all times.  The woman with whom he gets bored is too predictable, in the bad sense of the word.

She is predictable and fails to captivate his imagination and thus build attraction because she is not living out of her feminine intuition.  The sad reality is that all women have the ability to be captivating and mesmerizing for a man, to have his complete admiration and attention.  The problem is that women do not channel their inner feminine nature and because of this end up doubting themselves and giving away their power.  They become a slave and a follower to trends, popular opinions, anything and everything but their own inner voice and intuition.  They have learned to place their trust somewhere outside of themselves.

A man seeks a woman because he wants something unique, original, something he does not already have and cannot find elsewhere.  When a woman’s charm and motivations are not coming from within her person, he will feel no need for her, because she is only a duplicate, a recreation.

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In the movie Inception, Cobb summed up the male psychological stance quite elegantly when he told his wife (the version he recreated in his mind after her death):

“But I can’t imagine you with all your complexity, all your perfection, all your imperfection.  Look at you.  You are just a shade of my real wife.  You’re the best I can do, but I’m sorry you’re just not good enough.”

Men simply do not possess the ability to create or define what it is they will want in a woman.  They cannot conceive of it in this way – they will know what they like after it is presented to them, but they cannot determine it beforehand.  This is the reason why a woman looking to please and captivate a man by replacing her own inner intuition with a man’s advice or any sort of outside perspective will fail every time. 

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Men are designed to appreciate and love what a woman is when she is in her natural, most feminine state.  This is something foreign to them and their thinking, which is why they are unable to tell a woman how to do it.

What it might look like:

  • A woman sees a beautiful flower, becomes captivated, disregards all else and whatever she was doing to take a photo
  • She stops to play with an adorable puppy
  • She spends a great deal of time putting together the perfect outfit, delighted when it turns out “just right”
  • She takes a long, hot bath, letting herself daydream and relax into it
  • She spontaneously compliments another woman
  • She smiles and hugs her man after she feels a wave of appreciation for something he does

She is genuine and is living from a state of love, experiencing her full range of emotions and not apologizing for them.

never let me go

Honey: A Serum for Health and Seduction

Honey has long been noted for its mesmerizing qualities and has been used by some of the most gifted seductresses in history for that and for its beautifying and health properties.

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What, dear reader, could be more naturally suggestive and seductive, than honey, a rich golden drink that is said to ooze and drip?

The oldest recorded use was about 4000 years ago, in Sanskrit tablets that made mention of it as an ingredient in many early medicines.

Honey was such an integral aspect of society that it is mentioned in nearly every major religious and historical text.

In one Bible verse, King Solomon instructs his son to make use of it:

“My son, eat honey, for it is good.  Yes the honey from the comb is sweet to your taste” – Proverbs 24:13

In the Quran it is written:

“Then eat from all the fruits and follow the ways of your Lord lain down for you.  There emerges from their bellies a drink, varying in colors, in which there is healing for people.  Indeed that is a sign for those who reflect.”

In ancient Egypt it was used to treat impotence, infertility, and as a topical antibiotic for wounds.  Cleopatra herself used it as part of her regimen to soften and clarify her skin.

Madame du Barry, the last mistress of Louis XV, also used it for its cosmetic properties and included it as an ingredient in her face masks.  Queen Anne, ruler of Britain in the early eighteenth century, used it to moisturize, strengthen and beautify her hair.  In medieval times, it was not uncommon for seductresses to give a warm drink with a bit of honey in it to their partners.

Even today, honey is alluded to in countless common phrases and in pop culture.  Take for example “honey trap,” “honey moon,” and the Beatles song “Honey Pie.”

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Honey is energy-dense, with about 60 calories and 17 grams of carbohydrates (that’s 6% of your daily needs) in one tablespoon.  It is mostly made up of various sugars, including monosaccharides, fructose, and glucose.

The remainder is made up of water and minerals:

  • Niacin – vitamin B3, bolsters the digestive system, skin, nerves
  • Pantothenic acid – vitamin B5, protects against a wide range of ailments
  • Calcium
  • Iron
  • Magnesium
  • Manganese
  • Phosphorus
  • Potassium
  • Zinc

Honey is slightly acidic and works well as an antiseptic and anti-bacterial agent.  However, these properties are largely lost in the manufacturing process, which is why it is important to purchase only organic and natural honey, preferably the darker varieties.  In one Nature article, it was reported that “natural honey kills bacteria three times more effectively” than processed and manufactured honey.

Honey is also an excellent anti-inflammatory.

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Inflammation is a complex immune response that your body creates in reaction to anything that it perceives as a potential threat.  Symptoms of inflammation include:

  • Fever
  • Redness
  • Swelling
  • Pus and infection
  • Allergic reaction
  • Acne

And so on.  While inflammation can be a beneficial reaction, bringing a mass of white blood cells to a localized region, often-times the body will over-react and the inflammation response will cause greater harm than the initial irritant.

Because of its anti-inflammatory properties, honey can aid an enormous variety of medical issues including:

  • Wound and burn treatment
  • Calm acid reflux
  • Diarrhea
  • Diminish effects of seasonal allergies
  • Skin care
  • Fighting infection
  • Sooth coughs
  • Bolster memory, immune system
  • Helps the body metabolize (break down) food and toxins
  • Dandruff

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A study reported by WebMD noted that in a sample of 139 children, honey did better than an over-the-counter cough suppressant in easing symptoms and ensuring a good night’s rest.

Honey should be an integral part of any woman’s health and beauty routine because the foundation of any woman’s physical appeal will always, without exception, be her overall health.  It will not matter how stylishly she dresses, or how well done her hair and make-up it is obvious that she is in poor health.  Dry and damaged hair, dull or blemished skin, or an unhealthy body weight cannot be fully hidden by any coverings.  On the other hand, dear reader, a woman who is “the picture of health” will be beautiful without any feminine embellishments whatsoever.  (:

Feminine Modesty

Modesty, dear reader, encompasses not only the way a woman clothes herself, but also the way she behaves and the way she speaks to others.

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Modesty, though it often is erroneously associated with either naiveté or prudery, is neither.  To be properly and artfully achieved and displayed, modesty must combine a combination of knowledge, understanding, and personal confidence.  When done right, modesty will earn a woman respect and admiration, and will keep the not-so-desirable elements of life at a distance from her.  It is the wise woman that understands that this is the real reason behind modesty; it is not a contrivance meant to diminish or undercut her sexuality or talents.  In fact, it will enhance them – without this modesty, it is difficult for a woman to move forward and advance to something even beyond what she already is.  The truly confident woman does not need to publicize either her body or her accomplishments; because she is a woman of significance, and she knows herself to be such, those elements of her make-up are but accessories.

It is true, dear reader, that confidence is silent and insecurities are loud.

Take for example, reporter Betty Liu’s surprise when she was out with Jay Z and his friends following a football game.  She notes in her book, Work Smarts:

“I observed that out of all the guys in that room, Jay Z – the host and star – was one of the quietest.  He was very attentive, turning his head to whoever was talking and responding when asked and laughing along but he must have been the fourth or fifth quietest guy in the room.”

She later noted on Bloomberg that he didn’t need to broadcast himself in that way “because he was Jay Z.”

This, dear reader, is the reason why a person will be propelled to greatness, and it is how he or she earns the respect and admiration that is his or her due.

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When a woman displays her body, she is looking for validation, compliments, love.  She is announcing to the world that she doesn’t have enough of these things because she is giving that away to the world, free of charge.  It is a case of over-giving; when a woman gives without expecting anything in return, she decreases her value in the eyes of both herself and those to whom she is giving.  A woman’s body is a gift and a blessing; it should be displayed tactfully, and artfully at times when the woman is sure that it will be cherished as the wonder that it is.

When a woman speaks overly much about herself, her knowledge, and her accomplishments, she is looking for that same validation and is almost certain not to find it.  Take for example, the woman, who, while at an art museum, seeks to impress the tour guide by mentioning her previous visits to the Louvre or her fine appreciation for Dali’s work.  Not only is she losing an opportunity to learn what she doesn’t yet know, by bringing up these subjects at an inappropriate time, unrequested, she makes herself look foolish.  Dear reader, there are many, many situations in which a woman will do this, almost involuntarily and subconsciously if she is not careful to guard against it.  She has not yet fully learned that life’s truly worthwhile opportunities will not come to her in this manner – they will come to her when someone else notices, through his or her own observation, rather than through the woman’s persuasion, what her talents and abilities are.

 Before destruction a man’s heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor. – Proverbs 18:12

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips. – Proverbs 27:2

A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims foolishness. – Proverbs 12:23

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In relationships and on dates too, this is a major pitfall for women.  When a woman speaks incessantly of her activities, wants, and needs, she will repel any man.  Moreover, many otherwise intelligent women do not understand this principle as it applies to men.

When a man tells a woman about his work or some other area of interest for him, what he is looking for is for her to simply listen and to support and love him for it on an emotional level.  He will not be impressed when she demonstrates how much more she knows about the subject; rather he will be annoyed because he is not getting what he wants.  And, dear reader, this has nothing to do with men not valuing intelligence in women – they do.

However, a man also looks for a woman who can be in tune with him and who will have the tact and wisdom to know when to display her knowledge.  It can also signal the man to think twice about a woman if he is not yet serious with her and it can diminish a man’s love for his girlfriend or wife if she does this.  This is because a man instinctively, if not consciously, knows the woman’s intent – he knows that she is trying to sell herself to him, to make herself appear, in his eyes, more than she is or believes she is.

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That sort of insecurity, dear reader, may not be enough to totally deter a man, but it will also certainly not go undetected or unnoticed.