Archive | October 2015

Trust

A woman, dear reader, trusts, but does not depend on anyone.

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She is independent and her own woman, but she also lets others in; she doesn’t close herself off.

That being said, she is also wise and doesn’t ever reveal too much of herself to those whom she hasn’t yet tested.

Being independent includes emotional independence, as well as financial independence, dear reader.  Many women tend to think of money when they think of what it means to be independent, but the emotional aspect is perhaps far more important.

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A woman who is emotionally independent can handle her own joys, sorrows and crises, and likely that of others as well.  This isn’t to say that she can never seek help or advice from others from time to time, but that she has things handled and managed on her own.

An emotionally dependent woman, for example, might not be able to cope with a stressful situation, for example a difficult break-up.  She needs others for support, to the extent that she might not be able to carry out her normal activities otherwise.

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An emotionally independent woman would still feel the same emotions following the break-up (loss, regret, sorrow, etc.), but she would be able to manage them and put them aside when need be, to deal with them at a later, more appropriate point.  She wouldn’t let it interfere with her well-being and she would move on in a respsible and mature way.

Emotional independence, dear reader, is arguably a necessary precursor to financial independence.  A woman who has difficulty managing her emotions will undoubtedly have difficulty managing anything, money included.

A woman who is financially independent understands how to budget and live within her means.  She doesn’t overspend or take on irresponsible debt (this is as opposed to responsible debt which might include university education costs, for example) and she lives within her means.

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She has learned to do this, dear reader, because she values her freedom and indepence.  She doesnt put herself in positions, financially or otherwise, that are too much ofa risk.  She isn’t afraid to take intelligent and calculated risks, but she also knows that she will be much happier and in much better health and well-being if she is the one ultimately directing her own life and making the decisions.  This is too important of a task to leave to others.

“My advice to women in general: Even if you’re doing a nine-to-five job, treat yourself like a boss. Not arrogant, but be sure of what you want – and don’t allow people to run anything for you without your knowledge.” – Nicki Minaj

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Respond, Don’t React (:

A woman, dear reader, responds rather than reacts. 

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She thinks through situations carefully and strategically before making up her mind.  She is not impulse-driven.

That being said, she is also not one to vacillate when she has reached a decision.  She is someone who knows her mind, and will be flexible and change course if necessary, but she does this only if there is very good reason to.

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She is realistic and pragmatic when she needs to be, dear reader.

This is because the dangers and negative implications of simply reacting, in knee-jerk fashion, are many.

“You’ve got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going,
’cause you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

This will increase the opportunity for mistakes, put off the people close to you, and and make it difficult for you to get what you ultimately want.

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A woman, in contrast, dear reader, behaves in a stable manner and thinks through her decisions and options before acting, without of course, over thinking to the point of “analysis paralysis.”

One good way to ensure that you are doing this, is to take a moment before doing anything when your first instinct is to react strongly.  Recognize the physical and emotional signs, and then pause, even leaving the area if need be

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This is something you will undoubtedly be grateful for later (:

The Art of Flirting

Flirting, dear reader, is an art (:

The object is to subtly let the man of your interest know that you are interested in him, but while making sure he is never fully certain of that fact.

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That will be his goal with you as well, if he is experienced in the art of flirting.

The mechanics include making eye contact, smiling strategically, and gentle touching (of course this must not be overly~aggressive or forward and invasive).

“Flirting recruits all domains of skills: intellect, body language, creativity, empathy. At its best, flirting is high art, whether you’re vying for a soul mate, manipulating a salesman, or just passing the time.”

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One fascinating potential viewpoint has even elevated flirting to the level of rocket science ;):

According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the foundation of civilisation as we know it. They argue that the large human brain – our superior intelligence, complex language, everything that distinguishes us from animals – is the equivalent of the peacock’s tail: a courtship device evolved to attract and retain sexual partners. Our achievements in everything from art to rocket science may be merely a side-effect of the essential ability to charm.

In fact, it may even make you healthier as well:

“Studies have shown that people who flirt of a regular basis, generally have a higher white blood cell count. This suggests that these flirtatious individuals have a stronger immune system and may be better equipped to fight off infections.”

Flirting is all about keeping the other person guessing, curious, and slightly off-balance.  You want to leave them unsatisfied and wanting more, dear reader.

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Above all, one must not be too serious with it, or it will ruin the mood and make flirting unenjoyable or impossible.

Of course, there are certain places and situations in which flirting would be in bad taste (i.e. the workplace), so it must be done with discretion

Likewise, it should be light-hearted and while gentle teasing is permissible, you must be careful that it doesn’t come across offensively.

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Flirting is all about being playful and two people enjoying themselves.

Charm School Pt. 1: How to Be Charming

Being charming, dear reader, is what will distinguish you as a memorable and captivating, rather than a dull and forgettable one.

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The charming woman dazzles.  She inspires, she has the ability to make others do as she wills.

“But since we’re all more likely to do business and build professional and personal relationships with people we like, we’re naturally drawn to people who are polite, modest, agreeable, kind. In short, people who are charming.”

The charming woman is first of all friendly.  She isn’t overly so, or overly familiar (as she wants to maintain her sense of respect), but she is very approachable and she doesn’t hesitate to approach others.

She is not shy, and she genuinely enjoys social interaction.  Indeed, it seems that she becomes energized by it.

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The feminine woman of excellence, dear reader, must know how to be charming when she wants to be.  She does not have to be a charming social butterfly at all times, but she does need to be able to call upon it when needed.

Secondly, the charming woman asks others questions and establishes a genuine interest in the responses.

To be interesting, dear reader, one must be interested.

People, above all want to feel as though they are important, and if you can make them feel that way, you become instantly charming (:

“If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity”

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This, dear reader, is the essence of being charming:

“Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want. So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”

We have all experienced that person who can’t seem to find any conversation topic to discuss other than him or herself, and without fail, that person is universally resented and soon left without any audience at all.

If you wish to be charming dear reader, you must forget about yourself and engage in others.  It is the only way, and it will win you much success and satisfaction socially.

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Beyond these fundamentals, charm can be enhanced by:

  • looking one’s best (it is often easier to act the part if you feel good about the way you look)
  • dressing stylishly and well
  • being a good listener
  • giving out genuine compliments (avoid flattery however, as most people will easily recognize this)
  • smiling (in moderation, of course)
  • use of good eye contact
  • a good handshake
  • polite and eloquent language
  • cultivating a charming laugh
  • ignoring rude or tasteless comments in others (there are times however, when a more direct approach is necessary; this will be expanded upon later)
  • using names (people are more responsive to their own names than any other words)

Good luck and be brilliantly charming, dear reader (:

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On Giving Advice

Giving advice, whether to a friend or to a significant other, is a tricky subject, dear reader.

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It should absolutely not, in any ordinary circumstances, be given freely.  First of all dear reader, your advice is valuable and you and others should treat it that way.

Secondly, unsolicited advice is not only poor etiquette, it is often disregarded and resented.

And honestly, while people encourage you to change your ways to accommodate their suggestions what are you privately thinking? Probably something like “Mind your own business!” or “Why don’t you leave me alone?” You might politely listen but privately most of us resent being told what to do and how to do it.

In a nutshell: Advice giving usually doesn’t work, and often completely backfires. – Psychology Today

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It can lose you valuable friendships, business partnerships, and relationships, so you must take care, dear reader.

A woman seeks to use her wisdom to influence rather than to outright tell others what to do.  Furthermore, that latter is generally not socially acceptable unless you are prepared to pay those you are commanding 😉

A much better way to provide advice, when it is requested of you, is to simply ask a series of questions to get them to think through the situation completely on his or her own, and then to make their own conclusions.

A person is going to be much more satisfied with the outcome of her thinking and decision-making if she feels it is her own and was not told what to do.

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And this is what most people seeking advice really want and need anyhow – they don’t come to you because they want you to tell them what decision to make, they come to you because they want help thinking through the implications of each option.

If we really want to encourage behavior (or belief) change in others we actually need to move away from advice giving (especially when our advice is unsolicited) and toward modeling. In other words, we need to be an example for others rather than telling them what to do.

Research on observational learning (in conjunction with an understanding of reactance theory) suggests that while people will resist unsolicited advice and instruction, they will follow the behaviors of others—especially when there appear to be good and reinforcing outcomes from these behaviors (or beliefs).

Even better, dear reader, is if you can show others your point rather than tell them.

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People like to see things for themselves, and will rarely act or change their minds otherwise.  This is a point that many women frustrated with their boyfriends or husbands not listening to them would do well to think about and internalize.

“Never argue.  In society nothing must be discussed; give only results.” – Benjamin Disraeli, 1804-1881

Mr. Right

The selection of the “right” man, dear reader is very important to the high value of woman of excellence.

A man can have any and all parts of her if he only knows how to speak to her with not only his words but with physical affection and he can get her to do thing for him he only dreamt of if he would only know how to express himself in such that let's her know how much he wants her to himself...:

“I tell young women the most important decision you are going to make is who your life partner is.” – Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO

It is such an important decision, because choosing wisely can mean a lifetime of happiness and rewarding experiences and fulling growth together, but it will also have long-lasting implications should she choose to have children with this man.

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If a woman is serious about someone, she needs to envision what type of father he would be as well.

However, before she gets too carried away with her analysis of “Mr. Right” she absolutely must be sure that she is Ms. Right and is therefore attracting the right type of men, as well.

Qualities that both Mr. and Ms. Right should possess include:

  • responsibility (plan things out carefully rather than impulsive decision-making)
  • personable, friendly, kind to each other
  • care about and support the other partner’s life goals, ambitions, and dreams
  • emotionally mature
  • good with children (if children are in the plan for the future)
  • are the the same page with the other partner about all aspects of the relationship
  • are a gentleman/lady
  • takes care of health, hygiene, physical appearance, etc
  • knows how to prioritize his/her life
  • treats the opposite sex with respect
  • makes an attempt to get to know your friends

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The most important item here is probably that Mr. Right is supportive of your goals and hopes, dear reader.  A healthy partnership is one in which both people work with each other to improve and are supportive and caring.  A partnership in which one person doesn’t believe in the other is destined to fail, even if all else is there.

The Importance of Setting Goals

The high value woman of excellence, dear reader, sets goals.

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She seeks to make a difference with her life, and she has a sense of purpose.

She has ambition, but not so much that it completely consumes her; she understands well the concept of balance and she makes sure she applies it in her own life.

What does a woman with vision and a set of goals look like, dear reader?

She is the busy woman picking up a cappuccino on the way to work at 8 o’clock in the morning, but she also also the woman who ventures out and tries something new for the first time.

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A woman understands the importance of constantly stretching herself and finding new ways to challenge herself.  She sets goals in every aspect of her life, from her relationship, to her career, to her health and family.

She doesn’t allow herself to get stuck into the “routine” of life.  She understands that life is all about growth and change, and rather than fight that fact or resist it, she changes along with it, and she works to change for the better, over time.

She takes both small and large steps to do this.

Not only does she define achievable goals for herself, she also plans and works towards making them happen.

This is a crucial step that many fail to follow through on, and then when little progress is made get unreasonably disappointed and discouraged by it.

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That may mean either a big career shift, or something as simple as exercising more to be healthier or joining an acting class for fun because it is outside of her comfort zone.

Obviously, goals and challenges are very personal, and specialized to each individual woman.

However, every woman who engages in active goal-setting, and then working to achieve them knows the rewards of doing so.  Yes, it requires effort (but what worthwhile, doesn’t, especially looking and feeling beautiful, dear reader!).  And there will, without a doubt, be disappointment and frustration along the way if the goals she has chosen are to help her grow in any meaningful way.

But that only makes success, when if finally comes, all the sweeter, dear reader.

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“Success is sweet: the sweeter if long delayed and attained through manifold struggles and defeats.”

And, dear reader, a growing and learning woman is a happy and successful one (:

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