Archive | June 2016

How to Conduct Yourself with Class and Dignity During a Break-up

The death of a relationship, dear reader, is a trying time emotionally.

You are at your most fragile, feeling vulnerable, and perhaps even unloved or unlovable.  These feelings are all temporary, but in the moment that’s not how they feel – they can feel overwhelming and as if they’ll never go away.

Believe it or not, when emotions run that intensely, and your external world seems to be most in chaos is the exact moment when you need to get the most still and slow down internally.  You need to detach yourself from what is happening, in order to get perspective.

 

Fabian Perez, one of my favorite artists:

 

That does not mean that you deny your emotions or dissociate from them – you are a human being, of course you are going to experience the trying emotions that go along with any kind of loss.

To detach in a health manner means to separate yourself from those emotions.  To become aware of what you are feeling and experiencing, but know that you, who you are is not any of those things.

Have you ever heard the saying that it is often easier to see an issue or a situation in a friend than it is in yourself?

This is because we often have a hard time distancing ourselves from our emotions and our situations enough that we can get the perspective we need.  To achieve this mental flexibility requires a certain frame of mind.

 

Laurence Olivier & Vivien Leigh, a still from "That Hamilton Woman". sigh.....:

 

Why is this important to put in the effort and energy to get still and try to see our own selves from a 3000 foot view when all we want to do is act out, release those emotions, and “vent”?

Because doing any of those things will simply make your situation worse.  Guaranteed.  “Blowing up” someone’s phone (or the more adult versions of this behavior) after a breakup will not bring them back to you.  It will not make them love and respect you more, and more importantly it will make it harder for you to love and respect yourself and feel good about the actions you are taking.

You must respond instead of reacting knowing that the long-term reward for doing so is going to make you feel a whole lot better and ultimately get you what you want.  Doing this requires a discipline as well – you need to give up that short-term release of emotion you get by lashing out or doing anything that shows a less than 100% acceptance of the way things are.

 

#Seductive:

 

You do not argue, you do not plead, and you certainly do not beg.  You accept the situation briefly and professionally – this is hugely important – you are no longer personally or emotionally invested (you will of course still feel invested on that level, but you will not act that way).  You are a woman with grace, class, and dignity!  You take ownership of your emotions and you are able to act in this mature and impressive way because you know that the correct response in these sorts of situations is to simply make a commitment to yourself to do better.  As the saying goes, you do not get bitter, you get better.

Think back to a boyfriend you had in grammar or high-school – you can look back on the experience without any pain even though at the time it probably felt like your world was coming to an end.  This is because you have distance, perspective and because you are no longer the person you were at that time – you have matured and expanded your world-view.  It seems like a brief event hardly worthy of thought.  The exact same thing will happen here, if you make the commitment to act in this way.

“Whenever I feel bad, I use that feeling to motivate me to work harder.  I only allow myself one day to feel sorry for myself.” – Beyonce

If you act in this way, it is guaranteed that you will be seen in a new light and your ex will want you back.  However, that is not the point.  You do not do any of this because you are desperate to be taken back – you do it because you can see past this critical moment and into the future where you do better.  And that better version of you makes whatever has happened seem petty, irrelevant, and like simply a footnote or a stepping stone in the larger story of your life.  That better version of yourself, and the joy and fulfillment you will feel in doing what it takes to become her is the real reward.

 

LADY LUXURY - LadyLuxury7 Retail therapy is so good in red:

 

How to Overcome Trust Issues

“Trust issues”, dear reader, are a big factor in relationships that women must learn to overcome if they are to truly experience love in the way it’s meant to be felt and experienced.

 

Azzedine Alaïa Heels:

 

 

Love isn’t meant to be a half~hearted situation in which you are cautiously clinging onto a raft for safety out of fear that you may drown – you are meant to float gloriously and to swim elegantly with happiness!

Trust issues will keep you clinging when you are meant to fly.

They usually stem from some type of past betrayal, and dear reader, that is where you must begin.  You need to confront whatever happened to have caused that caution and then dismiss it.

For example, infidelity can cause a woman to doubt and second-guess herself and make it hard to really open up, on an emotional level to another person, even if that person and her new situation have nothing to do with whatever caused her lack of trust.

 

"My requests to the Universe manifest in abundance. The Universe is limitless, and so am I.":

 

What she needs to do, dear reader, is to accept that it was truly out of her control.  Think of it this way – you can’t force a person to act in any specific way or to do anything for you.  You absolutely cannot make a person be faithful to you.  They will either choose to be, or choose not to be and there is nothing you can do to make that choice for them.  If they agreed to be in an exclusive relationship with you, it was their responsibility to be faithful, not yours.  Any guilt you feel needs to be eliminated.

Where many women get stuck is the idea that they could have done something differently, or inspired a deeper love that would have made their partner adore them to such a level that they would never consider infidelity.  Coming to terms with the fact that you never achieved that kind of love can be a difficult pill to swallow.  Alternatively, it can be an even harder pill to swallow if that love was there but you were betrayed regardless.

 

To be a powerful woman, you don't have to be aggressive or forceful.  Like a tree, you have to find your roots and then you can bend in the wind. ~ Angela Farmer:

 

What you need to understand is that in both cases you it was not something you could directly control, so you need to stop letting it eat away at your self-esteem or thinking through all the possible scenarios about what you could have done differently.  No matter how unlovable a partner is, or how (un)fulfilled someone is feeling a relationship, the mature action to take is always to sit down and confront that truth head-on.  Cheating is often a form of avoidance.  Opening up to your partner in an honest way about how you feel – whether that is simply that you think you’ve outgrown the other and it’s time to move on, or there are specific issues that you are afraid to confront and work through is difficult.  It requires an honesty and maturity that a lot of people simply haven’t yet developed.

Once you understand that, you can see how internalizing a partner’s behavior doesn’t make sense and is counter~productive.

After dismissing any self-blame, and reframing any past situations, dear reader, you are ready to open yourself up.

 

Banyan Tree Seychelles, Mahe Island: looks relaxing (photo from hotels.com):

“Giving” and “Taking”

The mindset of “giving” and “taking” is something which has taken hold in many women’s relationships.

Women are simultaneously advised not to over-give and also not to be “too needy” or childish, in that they are taking more than they give in a relationship, whether that be with a significant other or among friends.

 

Beautiful Megalochori Sunset, Santorini Greece] ... #TNDreamBoard:

 

The problem with this thinking, dear reader, is that you are so focused on keeping score, and making sure that everything is even, that you can’t simply enjoy the relationship.

Giving has taken on an almost negative connotation in this context; it is being confused with a different concept, and that is giving something that you do not feel in your heart.

Giving something you do not genuinely feel is inauthenticity and really does not benefit either person in the relationship.  However giving for it’s own sake, when you simply give of yourself because you enjoy it, is the only way relationships can truly flourish.

Relationships struggle when participants give only in order to get, and also when they give against an internal feeling of resistance.

 

Vladimir Volegova @Alexandra Dobiyanski (you at the Red Cup):

 

Giving is much like the feeling of gratitude, in that it tells the world, “I have enough, in fact I have more than enough, so much so that I’d love to share it with you.”

And this outlook and behavior tends to create positive feedback, bringing in more abundance, that in turn lifts everyone involved upwards.

“Selfish” and closed~off thinking comes from thoughts of lack and fear – fear that you do not have enough, which creates behaviors in yourself that in turn creates responses in others that turn them away from you, creating the exact opposite – a negative feedback loop that re~affirms the initial state of lack.

Truly magnetic women, dear reader, are women who have learned how to give of themselves, their authentic selves.  They are not afraid to help out their fellow women and others, in whatever capacity suits them and the occasion, even if it is as simple as just giving a brief smile to another.

 

Blake Lively ♥:

 

This doesn’t mean that they live beyond their means financially or that they say yes to every invitation if it is not in line with their true selves and values.  Quite the opposite.  What it does mean is that they have a mentality of abundance and that they expect good things to happen to them, and positive responses from the world. And because they expect this as the natural course of events, that is exactly what they find.

The woman who is trying to keep an even score and see to it that she is getting equal to or more than she gives in a relationship is placing her happiness in something external to herself; moreover, this almost always backfires because people can sense what your unspoken motives are and be turned off, even if they don’t consciously understand why.

The problem many so-called givers run into (and the reason, perhaps, why the name has been given a bad rep), is that they are not also open to receiving.   They block the good things that are sent back to them, because they haven’t yet learned how to graciously accept in a spirit of gratitude.

 

This is Aria. She's an amazing soccer player as well as a champion jumper (as in riding horses). She loves to hang out with her friends and her favorite thing to do is to swim. She's loving, adventurous, and loves to laugh. Come say hello