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“Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – It’s All Small Stuff”

The feminine woman of excellence, dear reader, has perspective in life.  She has matured to the point at which she no longer sweats the “small stuff” and she doesn’t get too worked up over things.

“If I make a fool of myself, who cares?  I’m not frightened by anyone’s perception of me.” – Angelina Jolie

She understands that nothing is really as big of a deal as it seems to be.  Sure, she celebrates her successes and still feels the pain of loss when things don’t go her way, but she doesn’t magnify those things to the point where they stop her from progressing and cloud her vision.

 

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“If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two impostors just the same … Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And—which is more—you’ll be a [Woman], my [dear]!”

To be really successful in life, dear reader, a woman must have the emotional fortitude and maturity to handle both adversity and success without vacillating too much emotionally.   Again, this doesn’t mean that she’s not capable of feeling both intense happiness and intense sorrow – after all, these deep emotions are what make her human, and a woman – but she doesn’t allow them to control her.  She is able to separate from them without dissociating.

Realizing that no matter what happens, that it simply isn’t as big of a deal as you are making it out to be in your mind will set you free.  It will take away the self-created pressure that makes it hard for you to take any constructive action.

 

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“Amateur performers often crack under pressure because they lose their perspective.  Their fear of losing overwhelms them to the point of physical, emotional, and spiritual breakdown.  The champion knows that the secret to performing well under pressure has more to do with their perception of the event than the event itself.  While an amateur is telling himself that he must win, the pro is reminding herself that it’s only a game.  Both performers want to win, but the pro always outperforms the amateur under pressure because she has learned how to calm her nerves by putting things into perspective.  Some people claim that champions perform better than any other group under pressure.  This is not true.  There is an inverse relationship between pressure and performance, no matter who you are or what you do.  As pressure increases, performance decreases.  This occurs whether you’re Donald Trump or Donald Duck.  The reason champions get better results is because they have trained themselves how to perceive the so-called pressure situation.  The amateur perceives it as a threat, which triggers a fight or flight response from the mind and body.  Physiologically speaking, the performer believes he is literally fighting for his life.  Meanwhile, the pro has convinced herself that this situation is just a game, and nobody dies from losing a game.”

 

 

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The Art of Transparent, Effective, Communication

The feminine woman of excellence, dear reader, has mastered the art of communication.  She doesn’t internalize and repress her feelings nor does she act out aggressively and angrily.

 

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The key to great communication is that you mustn’t be afraid to speak your truth, and to do it right away.  There is nothing to be ashamed about if someone does something hurtful to you.  Many women are afraid to speak up because they take such treatment personally and allow it to eat away at their self-confidence when more often than not it has absolutely nothing to do with them.  Sometimes, someone will treat you poorly because they truly and simply don’t care about how you feel, but most of the time the other person doesn’t even realize that what they were doing was hurtful and assumes that you aren’t bothered in the slightest!  Again, they magnify the meaning of the event and the consequences and this makes them too frozen and uncomfortable to act.  Either way, remaining silent sends the wrong message.

Because they attach so much significance to it, many women find themselves tongue-tied.  So then they never communicate that they were hurt, disappointed, angry, etc – or if they do, they won’t be able to do it in a mature and assertive way that the other person will actually pay attention to – and they end up being ignored and virtually guarantee that the offensive behavior will become a pattern.

 

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A crucial mistake many women make is that they wait far, far too long for the pattern to manifest before speaking up.  Small issues snowball into crucial battles of will.

“The first piece of advice I would have from my experience is that governments need to be vocal about human rights.  My advice to you is not only to be vocal and consistent, but also to be principled in communications about human rights.  Another suggestion I have is to be quick.”  – Amal Clooney

One of the reasons why Amal is able to maintain such a strong relationship with a man like George Clooney where so many other women have failed is undoubtedly because she fully understands this principle on an intuitive, not just intellectual, level and has the courage to put it into practice.  Most men, even those at George Clooney’s level, are used to women communicating and behaving in ways that they term to be “annoying,” “passive-aggressive,” or “nagging”, and this really does have the effect of pushing them away in a relationship.  Men don’t want a shy little girl who is a pushover and can’t speak up for herself, but they don’t want a “bitch” who rages at them either.  Open, clear, and authentic communication that shows a woman knows what she wants and will stand up for it is what will get her results.

 

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Another important point, as she says here, in politics, as well as in human relations it is also important to be consistent.

It’s going to be hard to get yourself taken seriously if you are constantly vacillating on what is and what is not okay.  Credibility is built by “sticking to your guns” and being honest and authentic about the way something makes you feel.  This doesn’t mean that you are never allowed to change your mind about key issues, but you must appear and be firm.

 

 

Finding Your Way

A lot of women, dear reader, don’t really know who they are – instead of confidently going after what it is they want in life, they’re shrinking themselves and settling.

 

“Even the wisest woman you talk to is ignorant of something you may know, but an elegant woman never forgets her elegance.”:

 

They feel defeated and they settle for what they can get, instead of having the faith that they can do and be whatever they set their minds to be.  They are afraid to speak their minds and their truth – they are more worried about how they will come off and upsetting others’ feelings than they are in simply being okay with expressing themselves.

Because of this, true intimacy eludes them.  How can you bond with another, dear reader, if you never let them see or know your true self?  Your true self is what you love, what brings you joy, and it is your authentic feelings.  Many suppress this to the detriment of their health, emotions, well-being, and relationships because they don’t yet know how to express what they are through their words and through their actions with the attitude of take it or leave it.

 

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You can’t create or be who you are if you are trying to be someone else’s mouth-piece.  You need to find your own voice, dear reader.  You must stop thinking of whether what you are about to do or say is going to impress another or bring you the money, love, success, etc that you want, and simply speak from the heart and mind.

This is easier said than done.  Simply trying to “love yourself” doesn’t work – it’s like attempting to pursue happiness or a butterfly directly.

Ask yourself what do I think?  What do I feel about this?  Becoming who you are, dear reader, is largely about learning to make your own decisions.  Many people aren’t able to make even the smallest decisions.  It’s a chicken and egg scenario – they don’t know their values and who they are, so they don’t have much of a compass to guide them in decision-making, and they avoid making decisions, so they don’t have much practice in seeing what’s for them and what isn’t.

 

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Much of the process of becoming who you are is going down wrong avenues and failing.  The problem is that so many women are afraid of getting “lost” or making the wrong choices that they’re not able to get where they need to go.  We tend to magnify things and make them seem as though they are a much bigger deal than they truly are.  You need to give yourself the permission to fail occasionally, because on the course of becoming your true self and reaching your full potential it will happen a lot.  If you make your own decision and it’s wrong, at least it will be your own failure and you can learn from it.  As long as someone else made the choice for you, you won’t learn and you won’t move forwards.

Some things, like cocaine, don’t need to be sampled for you to know that they are harmful, dear reader.  But the only way to really know who you are and what you want in life is to take the chance that you might be wrong.  So what if that fashion internship doesn’t work out?  You aren’t farther away from success and discovering your true self, you are closer!  You’ve placed a certainty in an area that was previously an unknown.

 

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The problem is that many have been trained to look at these sorts of explorations as “failures” and then take it personally and feel terrible about themselves when it doesn’t work out, creating an inability to move past that point, or tragically for many, never starting at all.

That same mindset makes dating and relationships for women a nightmare.  A divorced woman is looked upon as a loser.  A girl who just went through a breakup and ended a relationship that wasn’t right for her is pitied when in fact it should be the opposite!  What you need to do, dear reader, is applaud yourself at each step of the way, because the world won’t react when you simply get closer, it will react when you’ve achieved tangible results.

 

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Think of it this way – no one was supporting and cheering on Oprah before she became Oprah.  She didn’t know she was going to one day lead a national talk show and reach the heights of fame, but what she also didn’t do was let others define her or let her think of herself as someone who she wasn’t.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results for others’ people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”

Another aspect of this that can be difficult is that sometimes, your connection to your internal compass will have become weak and it won’t feel as clear as it does at other times.

 

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One way to know when you are about to make a wrong decision is if it feels like you are betraying yourself by doing so.  If you have to give up something of yourself up to make it, it will take you farther away.

The majority of people, dear reader, let the world and others mold them into who they become, because they choose to betray themselves and their own wants and needs rather than rejecting and refusing others.  It goes beyond simple people-pleasing.  It’s looked at as something wrong and selfish to act in your own best interests and make choices that others don’t like because it upsets their own comfort and balance in life.

“I’m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life.  I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world.  I run my world.” – Beyonce Knowles

“Your self-worth is determined by you.  You don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are.” – Beyonce Knowles

 

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Yes, the choices you make will affect the people around you, but ultimately you must decide if you are going to become who you are and stay true to yourself or if you are going to remain limited and unsure of yourself because you let another who can never possibly know you as well as you know you make your decisions.  Doing what’s best for you is not going to harm or hurt others.  You need to understand and recognize that reaction from others for what it is so that you can dismiss it and move forwards.  It’s simply a groundless fear of change.

“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.  If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.  I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty every day and if you can source your own life from its presence.”

Some of the hardest choices you will ever make, dear reader, will be the ones in which you have to put yourself first in this way.  It will feel like you need to go backwards and do what is easier and more comfortable in the short-term.  When in search of encouragement for making those decisions, and for help in “bearing the accusation of betrayal” that you will undoubtedly come across, just remember that as hard as that decision is to make, the pain will be temporary – if you make the decision you know isn’t right, instead of a short blow that knocks you out, you’ll be stuck living chronically unfulfilled and unhappy.

 

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Limits

This topic, dear reader, is a powerful concept and it touches every single aspect of your life, from your relationships, to your financial status to your health.

We all grow up believing in some sort of limits.

 

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For some of us, those limits were more constricting than that of others, but they were still there.  And most women tend to unconsciously carry the limits they grew up believing with them into adulthood, not understanding that most of that was simply taken on faith, without examining those beliefs or thinking through them critically.

Let’s take relationships with men, for example.

Many women come to truly believe any number of limiting concepts including that men only want them for sex, men will use them, men will try to control them, men will only give them gifts on holidays, etc.

 

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Financially, unless you are one of the few born to wealthy parents, you come to believe such concepts as “money doesn’t grow on trees”;  you come to believe that money is something difficult to come by, something that must be struggled for, something that is used as a tool of control over others.

The idea that none of this is even true, that they are simply self-imposed limits that serve to cause self-sabotage to success, happiness, and fulfillment is so foreign a concept that it most likely never crosses your mind.

To see the truth of this, begin with a young child you know.  Tell her with conviction (this is important – if there’s no conviction in your voice it will not work) that she’s beautiful, intelligent, and that one day she’s going to be very successful.  Watch how she changes her behavior in ways that fulfill your words (:

 

Kamali Kulture:

 

Don’t Teach Pigs to Sing

There is an aphorism, dear reader, that goes: never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig (Robert Heinlein).

This is an interesting and incredibly useful concept to understand.  Often-times we have excellent intentions to show another a better way, or we try to solve some problem that they are having for them.

This is a mistake.

Attempting to change another for the better will not only annoy and irritate that person, you will find that you wasted a lot of time and energy that would have been better spent advancing your own cause.

 

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And often this is the only way you can really help anyone anyhow – through your actions and what they can see happening in your life, rather than anything you might argue or say to them.  Once they see that you are at peace with “letting it be” they will pay more attention to you and what you are doing, and then approach you, fully receptive to what you have to say.

First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. – Matthew 7:5

 

To be fair, this is not always done in the spirit of trying to “fix” someone else; many people do this with the intention of helping someone out or showing them the way, or they see that someone they care about is going in the wrong direction and want to do what they can.

 

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The problem is that this is not something you or anyone else can do.  Unless you are in some way responsible for that person or you are approached specifically for such advice or help, it is best to keep your peace and let the person go his or her own way.

You have no responsibility to interfere in any way, whether that person be a friend, coworker, grown son or daughter, family member, etc.  Keep your peace and you will be much happier for it – know that life will ultimately show that person what you already know and that you will be no worse off for not involving yourself or trying to stop some sort of harsh lesson that you saw coming.

On Giving Advice

Giving advice, whether to a friend or to a significant other, is a tricky subject, dear reader.

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It should absolutely not, in any ordinary circumstances, be given freely.  First of all dear reader, your advice is valuable and you and others should treat it that way.

Secondly, unsolicited advice is not only poor etiquette, it is often disregarded and resented.

And honestly, while people encourage you to change your ways to accommodate their suggestions what are you privately thinking? Probably something like “Mind your own business!” or “Why don’t you leave me alone?” You might politely listen but privately most of us resent being told what to do and how to do it.

In a nutshell: Advice giving usually doesn’t work, and often completely backfires. – Psychology Today

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It can lose you valuable friendships, business partnerships, and relationships, so you must take care, dear reader.

A woman seeks to use her wisdom to influence rather than to outright tell others what to do.  Furthermore, that latter is generally not socially acceptable unless you are prepared to pay those you are commanding 😉

A much better way to provide advice, when it is requested of you, is to simply ask a series of questions to get them to think through the situation completely on his or her own, and then to make their own conclusions.

A person is going to be much more satisfied with the outcome of her thinking and decision-making if she feels it is her own and was not told what to do.

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And this is what most people seeking advice really want and need anyhow – they don’t come to you because they want you to tell them what decision to make, they come to you because they want help thinking through the implications of each option.

If we really want to encourage behavior (or belief) change in others we actually need to move away from advice giving (especially when our advice is unsolicited) and toward modeling. In other words, we need to be an example for others rather than telling them what to do.

Research on observational learning (in conjunction with an understanding of reactance theory) suggests that while people will resist unsolicited advice and instruction, they will follow the behaviors of others—especially when there appear to be good and reinforcing outcomes from these behaviors (or beliefs).

Even better, dear reader, is if you can show others your point rather than tell them.

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People like to see things for themselves, and will rarely act or change their minds otherwise.  This is a point that many women frustrated with their boyfriends or husbands not listening to them would do well to think about and internalize.

“Never argue.  In society nothing must be discussed; give only results.” – Benjamin Disraeli, 1804-1881