A lot of women, dear reader, don’t really know who they are – instead of confidently going after what it is they want in life, they’re shrinking themselves and settling.
They feel defeated and they settle for what they can get, instead of having the faith that they can do and be whatever they set their minds to be. They are afraid to speak their minds and their truth – they are more worried about how they will come off and upsetting others’ feelings than they are in simply being okay with expressing themselves.
Because of this, true intimacy eludes them. How can you bond with another, dear reader, if you never let them see or know your true self? Your true self is what you love, what brings you joy, and it is your authentic feelings. Many suppress this to the detriment of their health, emotions, well-being, and relationships because they don’t yet know how to express what they are through their words and through their actions with the attitude of take it or leave it.
You can’t create or be who you are if you are trying to be someone else’s mouth-piece. You need to find your own voice, dear reader. You must stop thinking of whether what you are about to do or say is going to impress another or bring you the money, love, success, etc that you want, and simply speak from the heart and mind.
This is easier said than done. Simply trying to “love yourself” doesn’t work – it’s like attempting to pursue happiness or a butterfly directly.
Ask yourself what do I think? What do I feel about this? Becoming who you are, dear reader, is largely about learning to make your own decisions. Many people aren’t able to make even the smallest decisions. It’s a chicken and egg scenario – they don’t know their values and who they are, so they don’t have much of a compass to guide them in decision-making, and they avoid making decisions, so they don’t have much practice in seeing what’s for them and what isn’t.
Much of the process of becoming who you are is going down wrong avenues and failing. The problem is that so many women are afraid of getting “lost” or making the wrong choices that they’re not able to get where they need to go. We tend to magnify things and make them seem as though they are a much bigger deal than they truly are. You need to give yourself the permission to fail occasionally, because on the course of becoming your true self and reaching your full potential it will happen a lot. If you make your own decision and it’s wrong, at least it will be your own failure and you can learn from it. As long as someone else made the choice for you, you won’t learn and you won’t move forwards.
Some things, like cocaine, don’t need to be sampled for you to know that they are harmful, dear reader. But the only way to really know who you are and what you want in life is to take the chance that you might be wrong. So what if that fashion internship doesn’t work out? You aren’t farther away from success and discovering your true self, you are closer! You’ve placed a certainty in an area that was previously an unknown.
The problem is that many have been trained to look at these sorts of explorations as “failures” and then take it personally and feel terrible about themselves when it doesn’t work out, creating an inability to move past that point, or tragically for many, never starting at all.
That same mindset makes dating and relationships for women a nightmare. A divorced woman is looked upon as a loser. A girl who just went through a breakup and ended a relationship that wasn’t right for her is pitied when in fact it should be the opposite! What you need to do, dear reader, is applaud yourself at each step of the way, because the world won’t react when you simply get closer, it will react when you’ve achieved tangible results.
Think of it this way – no one was supporting and cheering on Oprah before she became Oprah. She didn’t know she was going to one day lead a national talk show and reach the heights of fame, but what she also didn’t do was let others define her or let her think of herself as someone who she wasn’t.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results for others’ people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”
Another aspect of this that can be difficult is that sometimes, your connection to your internal compass will have become weak and it won’t feel as clear as it does at other times.
One way to know when you are about to make a wrong decision is if it feels like you are betraying yourself by doing so. If you have to give up something of yourself up to make it, it will take you farther away.
The majority of people, dear reader, let the world and others mold them into who they become, because they choose to betray themselves and their own wants and needs rather than rejecting and refusing others. It goes beyond simple people-pleasing. It’s looked at as something wrong and selfish to act in your own best interests and make choices that others don’t like because it upsets their own comfort and balance in life.
“I’m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world. I run my world.” – Beyonce Knowles
“Your self-worth is determined by you. You don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are.” – Beyonce Knowles
Yes, the choices you make will affect the people around you, but ultimately you must decide if you are going to become who you are and stay true to yourself or if you are going to remain limited and unsure of yourself because you let another who can never possibly know you as well as you know you make your decisions. Doing what’s best for you is not going to harm or hurt others. You need to understand and recognize that reaction from others for what it is so that you can dismiss it and move forwards. It’s simply a groundless fear of change.
“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty every day and if you can source your own life from its presence.”
Some of the hardest choices you will ever make, dear reader, will be the ones in which you have to put yourself first in this way. It will feel like you need to go backwards and do what is easier and more comfortable in the short-term. When in search of encouragement for making those decisions, and for help in “bearing the accusation of betrayal” that you will undoubtedly come across, just remember that as hard as that decision is to make, the pain will be temporary – if you make the decision you know isn’t right, instead of a short blow that knocks you out, you’ll be stuck living chronically unfulfilled and unhappy.