Tag Archive | class

Handling Rejection, Becoming a Brand

Many women, dear reader, are generic imitations rather than their own brand.  This is the reason why so many have difficulty handling rejection emotionally, because they are unsure of themselves and who they are, and therefore will take rejection from someone else personally.

 

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The woman who has made herself her own unique brand, however, and has the courage to stand by it, will not have to place so much importance into what another thinks of her – she will be more centered and sure of herself.

“It takes guts to be a brand.  It takes guts to stand for what you believe in, even if it’s not popular.  You can’t be all things to all people if you want to be a brand.”

Women who have not yet developed themselves into a brand are the ones who are out trying too hard to fit into what others deem as cool, what a man wants in a relationship, and are slaves to outside opinion.

Not everyone likes Coca-Cola.  In fact, some despise everything it stands for.  However, because Coca-Cola developed itself into a centralized brand with clear distinctions that make it unmistakably what it is, virtually everyone knows what it is and is not, and it is the reason why it is currently a successful multi-billion dollar company.

 

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Coca-cola isn’t concerned over the fact that some dislike and won’t buy their product.  That rejection has no power over them and it isn’t taken personally because it is simply a fundamental truth that brands are not designed for universal consumption in the way that something generic is.

Companies, people, and especially women simply cannot be all things to all people and should never try to be!

Many bad relationships, dear reader, are the result of a woman not understanding her brand and standing by it.  Kris Humphries disliked Kim Kardashian’s materialism, extravagance, obsession with makeup, and other qualities that were simply part of who she was as a woman and as a brand.  Not understanding that those qualities were part of her brand and that whoever was going to be her life-partner needed to accept them rather than continuously neg them, she didn’t stand up for those aspects of herself and as a result ended up in an extremely unhappy, destructive, and unhealthy marriage.  This wasn’t some fundamental failing on either of their parts, it was simply a case of a die-hard health nut being forced to partner with McDonalds.

The woman who can turn herself into a brand is the woman who is above the emotional sting of taking rejection, in any form, personally.  Kim didn’t need to sit and beat herself up over the fact that she wasn’t everything Humphries wanted, she went out and found Kanye!  The woman who develops her unique brand and fully embraces it rejects those who reject her.  She doesn’t have to try so hard to be something she’s not, but instead she’s at ease and relaxed.  She has more control over who she is and what she does, and she is firmly in the driver’s seat of her own life and relationships.

 

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Living from the Inside, Out

Many women, dear reader, will react to a problem in their life by attempting to directly change the external factors that are involved.

 

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For example, if a child, friend, lover, or coworker isn’t behaving the way she desires them to, she reacts by either ordering the person involved to change or by complaining and arguing about the undesired behavior.

While simply suppressing one’s feelings and saying or doing nothing doesn’t work, neither does this.

And the reason it doesn’t work is because such a reaction comes out of not understanding that your world is simply a reflection of who you are, and that the only thing you can control  directly is yourself, never the world outside of you.

It’s as though you are looking at the events of life through a mirror, and when you don’t like what you see, you attempt to change what is in the reflection, rather than the source, which will in turn change the reflection.

 

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This is all a bit abstract, but try it for yourself – the next time there is something in your world you aren’t happy with, stop and figure out what is inside of you that is causing that to show up, and once you identify it, you’ll have the power to change both it and the reflection in your world.

There is a common parable that captures this phenomenon well:

A man who was traveling came upon a farmer working in his field and asked him what the people in the next village were like. The farmer asked “What were the people like in the last village you visited?” The man responded “They were kind, friendly, generous, great people.” “You’ll find the people in the next village are the same,” said the farmer.
Another man who was traveling to the same village came up to the same farmer somewhat later and asked him what the people in the next village were like. Again the farmer asked “What were the people like in the last village you visited?” The second man responded, “They were rude, unfriendly, dishonest people.” “You’ll find the people in the next village are the same,” said the farmer.

Best of luck, dear reader! (:

 

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How to Focus on Yourself

Not focusing on yourself is a major roadblock for many women, dear reader, and it comes in several forms.

First, to clarify what is meant by this – it’s not being self-centered or egocentric or losing your empathy and concern for others.  It’s focusing on your own path, your own work, your own unique mission in this world, rather than giving your time, attention and energy to other people or sources.

 

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This can be one of the toughest practices to master – being selfish in the sense that you feed your own spirit and soul by refusing to give away your time, energy, and attention to anything that doesn’t serve that.  In contrast, being “selfish” in the negative sense is feeding your ego – it’s pouring attention and energy into your persona.  This is always a mistake.  Your persona is simply a conduit for your purpose and spirit, it is never the end goal and any energy that ends up feeding it will have an ugly end and turn people off.  This comes off in any number of forms, including arrogance, “bitchiness”, and even body image insecurities.

Many women half-learn this and glorify the image of themselves as the “bitch” but if they were fully honest with themselves, they’d know that something still feels off.  Focusing on yourself, this sort of selfishness, once you master it, will never result in any sort of “bitchy” or harsh confrontations, because you will be acting out of your soul and spirit, not your ego.

 

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What’s important to remember is that your personality, your body, etc. are there to serve your purpose in life, not to get in the way.

And for the record, (though this issue has nothing to do directly with attracting men), men do not love bitches, counter to what impressions that best-selling title might have given you.  They love the boundaries and the ability of these women to say no to others when it doesn’t serve the best interests of their life purpose, soul, and who they are as a woman.  They see that the woman knows how to value her own unique self, and the divine within herself.   They may tolerate it until they find someone better and more evolved, but they don’t love the abrasive or nasty tendencies of the “bitch.”  And, yes, you can achieve one without the other with a bit of practice and by becoming aware of the problem (:

 

We listen to other people’s ideas of what is self-destructive without ever looking at whether their self and our self have similar needs.  Caught in the Virtue Trap, we refuse to ask ourselves, ‘What are my needs? What would I do if it weren’t too selfish?

There are powerful payoffs to be found in staying stuck and deferring nurturing your sense of self.  For many, the belief that they must be nice and worry about what will happen with their friends, family, mate if they dare to do what they really want will happen with their friends, family, mate, if they dare to do what they really want to constitutes a powerful reason for non-action.  Many sabotage themselves most frequently by making nice.  There is a tremendous cost to such ersatz virtue.  Many of us have made a virtue out of deprivation.  We have embraced a long-suffering anorexia as a martyr’s cross.  We have used it to feed a false sense of spirituality grounded in being good, meaning superior.

We strive to be good, to be nice, to be helpful, to be unselfish.  We want to be generous, of service, of the world.  But what we really want is to be left alone.  When we can’t get others to leave us alone, we eventually abandon ourselves.  We have checked out.  Afraid to appear selfish, we lose our self.  We become self-destructive.

 

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What will be tough about this dear reader, is that saying ‘yes’ to yourself and what you really want will first involve you first being honest with yourself about what you really want, and then require you to say ‘no’ to others, over and over again, with no apology.

If you are not used to this, the people around you will likely give you some difficulty:

 

Mary knows the same thing as she agrees to round five of baby-sitting for her sister so she can go out.  Saying no to her sister would be saying yes to herself, and that is a responsibility that Mary just can’t handle.  Free on a Friday night?  What would she do with herself?  That’s a good question, and one of many that Mary has used her virtue to ignore.

 

If you are in such a habit, to break it is going to require time and courage.  Be gentle on yourself.  You will fail in certain instances after you make this resolution, go back on your intentions, and then want to get angry at yourself.  To make the matter even harder, you need to fight not only yourself, but the protests and resistances of the people whom you have been giving your power away to.  However, once you gain clarity and fully see the problem, it will become natural.  You will get there.

 

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Another form of this comes in putting your attention into others you do not even know,  perhaps sports personalities or celebrities, whether that be admiration or jealousy.  This is unnatural and misplaced.  These people are simply entertainment and professionals that have mastered their craft.

Instead of pouring your own unique energy and talents into your dreams and life purpose, you pour them into these figures and make them otherworldly gods and goddesses in your own mind.  This sort of idol worship needs to go if you are to reach your full potential – see them for what they are, other human beings who have worked very hard to get where they are, but nothing more and certainly not greater or less than you or any other human being on the planet.

 

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Any feelings of competitive jealousy need to go as well.  Their vast success isn’t stopping you from achieving your potential – what’s stopping you is that you aren’t focused on yourself and getting to where you are supposed to be, who you are meant to be.

“The world needs you!  It needs your heart, ideas, and most importantly, your unique perspective.” – Jetaun Davis

 

How to Stop Allowing Your Past to Hold You Back

Unfortunately, dear reader, many women are still held back by things that happened to them in the past, choices they made in the past, or who they were in the past.

In addition, they can be deterred or made to feel less about themselves by naysayers who bring up these topics.

The day you realize, dear reader, that you are never obligated to be the person that you were, that you are never chained to who you were in the past, is the day that none of that can have any power over  you any longer.

 

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“It doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; all that matters is where you’re going.  Never allow yourself to be slowed down or held back by events that have occurred in your past.  Learn from them and let them go.  Resolve to keep yourself focused on the future and where you are going.  Because your future is limited only by your imagination, there are no limits to what you can achieve in the months and years ahead.”

 

The first step to take is total ownership and responsibility of who you were.  You can do this now because you understand that accepting and admitting the reality of the choices you made, the things that happened in your life does not mean that that is who you are now and who you will be.  It is no longer you.  It is who you were.

 

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Once you learn how to separate your sense of identity from that, you stop being defensive.  You let go.  You don’t try to hide or lie from whatever happened in the past, and you are able to move forwards.

And when you move forwards, there is no longer any need to analyze those events, over-think them, try to figure out what could have been done differently, or constantly talk about them with whoever you think can help you.

You have dealt with the problem by making the decision on an identity level.  All you really must do, dear reader, is state to yourself, and believe it, “that’s not who I truly am.”

 

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How to Build a Network, and Why You Need One

The intelligent woman of excellence, dear reader, builds a network.   As a child you were probably taught that you needed to make friends, but that’s not necessarily true; even more important to your health and wellbeing is your ability to be smart and build a network.

To clarify before going in depth as to how to develop a network, first it is important to understand what a network is and is not.  A network is not the people you would simply consider friends to hang out with casually, go for drinks, or share stories with, though these people might be part of your network.  In other words, it is possible for someone to be a part of your network and also simply a friend, but not everyone in your network is necessarily someone you would call a “friend” in the traditional sense and not every friend makes a valuable connection that you would want in your network.

 

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A network is also not the group of people you are connected with on LinkedIn, Facebook, or another other platform, though the same applies – they may exist in those places.

network is a compilation of contacts that you have collected over time.  Many people approach networking with the mentality that you simply reach out to potential employers or potential clients.  However, this is far too limited.

The contacts in your network should also include people that may play a part in your life somewhere down the line as employees, investors, advisors, mentors, other networkers or extremely well connected people who can connect you to others.

 

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Everything of worth that has ever been accomplished, dear reader, has been done so through the help and support of many other people.  There is no such thing as a “self made man” or a lone success story.  The wonderful and progressive accomplishments in life will not happen without a well-developed network.

This is something that has been too misunderstood and mistakenly interpreted in a number of other ways including “social climbing.”  Social climbing, for instance, implies that you are seeking out contacts to advance only yourself and that you aren’t really concerned with any larger goals beyond yourself.

 

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That’s not what true networking, good networking looks like.  Generally, those intentions come across fairly obviously and tend to block any meaningful connections anyhow.  Good networking is done out of the spirit of authenticity – your purpose is greater than yourself; you want to accomplish some larger goal or dream for the good of humanity, and you know there are others out there that will be willing to support that same goal or dream.  It may be something you have in mind now, or it could be something you develop in the future.  It could be anything from the simple desire to have a particular sort of job so that you can develop your own self and contribute value to a company and the economy, or it could be that you’d like to solve a larger problem for society, perhaps a social issue, or a technological problem, and would like to start a company to do so.

Networking is by far one of the best investments you can make as a feminine woman of excellence; in most cases it is completely free, and it can be a great way to meet and make friends with the high-quality people who care about society and are pushing themselves to grow as well, even if nothing ever comes to fruition with them in a purely business sense.  Moreover, you yourself will become a more interesting, engaged, and well-informed person if you do this.

 

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Now to transition into how to network.  This is also important because many people get it wrong.  Perhaps the one most important thing to understand is that networking is about you learning from others that you meet.  It is an opportunity to find out what they do, what sort of business they are in, what motivates them, what key issues they are facing, and any number of other topics.  The key is to step back and listen, and to get them talking.  Be curious and genuinely interested!

Of course, when asked about your goals, aspirations, and current projects you should be confident and be able to clearly state what defines you, but one of the worst ways to shoot yourself in the foot while networking is to walk into a room full of people and leave with a sore jaw, yet no additional knowledge or real information about the people you’ve met.  You must make a meaningful connection.  Think of it a bit as you would dating, however here the end goal is not to meet a future spouse but people to do business with and friends.

Some great places to start are your local chamber of commerce, local seminars, conferences, or community and business events.  Many events are listed under Eventbrite, as well as your city’s major newspapers and business publications.

Happy networking! (:

 

 

 

Limits

This topic, dear reader, is a powerful concept and it touches every single aspect of your life, from your relationships, to your financial status to your health.

We all grow up believing in some sort of limits.

 

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For some of us, those limits were more constricting than that of others, but they were still there.  And most women tend to unconsciously carry the limits they grew up believing with them into adulthood, not understanding that most of that was simply taken on faith, without examining those beliefs or thinking through them critically.

Let’s take relationships with men, for example.

Many women come to truly believe any number of limiting concepts including that men only want them for sex, men will use them, men will try to control them, men will only give them gifts on holidays, etc.

 

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Financially, unless you are one of the few born to wealthy parents, you come to believe such concepts as “money doesn’t grow on trees”;  you come to believe that money is something difficult to come by, something that must be struggled for, something that is used as a tool of control over others.

The idea that none of this is even true, that they are simply self-imposed limits that serve to cause self-sabotage to success, happiness, and fulfillment is so foreign a concept that it most likely never crosses your mind.

To see the truth of this, begin with a young child you know.  Tell her with conviction (this is important – if there’s no conviction in your voice it will not work) that she’s beautiful, intelligent, and that one day she’s going to be very successful.  Watch how she changes her behavior in ways that fulfill your words (:

 

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Listening to Your Own Inner Voice

One unmistakeable quality of the feminine woman of excellence is that she is able to take into consideration the thoughts and ideas she hears from others and from the world at large, without immediately absorbing them into her belief-system.  She carefully considers, thinks things over, and then decides if she agrees or not.

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” – Aristotle

Unfortunately many women are not quite there yet.

 

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On a date, for example, when asked to select your food, instead of looking through your options and selecting what you want, you either pick with the intention of catering to your company, or even worse, you leave the decision up to him entirely.

Not all women are like this of course, however women often give up their power by not consulting their own minds, thoughts, wishes, and desires first in other ways.

Your friends and family suggest you go to places, and you simply “go with the flow” rather than thinking through whether or not you really want to; you listen to people you consider authority figures or people within your network or friend group whom you look up to express their opinions and then take these as gospel without thinking them through.

What you need to do is break out of this adolescent habit by asking yourself in all cases, what is it that I think, and what do I want?  Does what I have seen and experienced in life validate the opinion being put forwards? Does this make sense, on an intuitive level to me?

 

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Sadly too many women discredit their own opinions and somehow believe that another knows what’s best for them.  By the way, even hiring a professional to manage an aspect of your life does not absolve you of the responsibility of understanding the dynamics and making important decisions for yourself – for instance, even if you hire a financial professional or a doctor, you are still ultimately responsible for the state of your finances and health, respectively.

 

“You must become less susceptible to influences outside of yourself and more inclined to trust the instincts and feelings that lie within you.”