Tag Archive | elegance

Handling Rejection, Becoming a Brand

Many women, dear reader, are generic imitations rather than their own brand.  This is the reason why so many have difficulty handling rejection emotionally, because they are unsure of themselves and who they are, and therefore will take rejection from someone else personally.

 

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The woman who has made herself her own unique brand, however, and has the courage to stand by it, will not have to place so much importance into what another thinks of her – she will be more centered and sure of herself.

“It takes guts to be a brand.  It takes guts to stand for what you believe in, even if it’s not popular.  You can’t be all things to all people if you want to be a brand.”

Women who have not yet developed themselves into a brand are the ones who are out trying too hard to fit into what others deem as cool, what a man wants in a relationship, and are slaves to outside opinion.

Not everyone likes Coca-Cola.  In fact, some despise everything it stands for.  However, because Coca-Cola developed itself into a centralized brand with clear distinctions that make it unmistakably what it is, virtually everyone knows what it is and is not, and it is the reason why it is currently a successful multi-billion dollar company.

 

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Coca-cola isn’t concerned over the fact that some dislike and won’t buy their product.  That rejection has no power over them and it isn’t taken personally because it is simply a fundamental truth that brands are not designed for universal consumption in the way that something generic is.

Companies, people, and especially women simply cannot be all things to all people and should never try to be!

Many bad relationships, dear reader, are the result of a woman not understanding her brand and standing by it.  Kris Humphries disliked Kim Kardashian’s materialism, extravagance, obsession with makeup, and other qualities that were simply part of who she was as a woman and as a brand.  Not understanding that those qualities were part of her brand and that whoever was going to be her life-partner needed to accept them rather than continuously neg them, she didn’t stand up for those aspects of herself and as a result ended up in an extremely unhappy, destructive, and unhealthy marriage.  This wasn’t some fundamental failing on either of their parts, it was simply a case of a die-hard health nut being forced to partner with McDonalds.

The woman who can turn herself into a brand is the woman who is above the emotional sting of taking rejection, in any form, personally.  Kim didn’t need to sit and beat herself up over the fact that she wasn’t everything Humphries wanted, she went out and found Kanye!  The woman who develops her unique brand and fully embraces it rejects those who reject her.  She doesn’t have to try so hard to be something she’s not, but instead she’s at ease and relaxed.  She has more control over who she is and what she does, and she is firmly in the driver’s seat of her own life and relationships.

 

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How to Be a High Value Woman

There is one key feature of the high value woman, dear reader – one trait that instantly determines whether or not she is “high value” or “high status.”

 

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And that one trait is that she gives value to whomever she comes into contact with.

The low-value woman (or person) is immediately identifiable in by the reverse trait.  She takes from those she comes into contact with.  This is because this is all she is capable of – she hasn’t evolved, matured, and developed herself to the point of being capable of giving to others.

She is concerned and focused on what she is receiving in her relationships, rather than on what she is giving and how she is making another’s life and experience better.

The high-value woman understand the importance of contribution.  She contributes with her professional work, her family, her relationships, and her community.

 

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She looks for ways she can make things better, and because she is constantly looking, she finds them everywhere (:

She cares about and lives for more than just herself.  And this is where her high sense of self-worth and self-esteem come from also.  It is impossible, dear reader, to feel great about yourself unless you can feel that you are contributing in some way to people and causes that are outside of and larger than yourself.

 

“What I know is, that you have to take responsibility for the space you hold, here” – Oprah Winfrey

 

In personal relationships, the high value woman does not complain or gossip or behave in petty or immature ways because she understands that these behaviors are all draining and take value from whoever she is interacting with.

 

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When she has been hurt or is tired and stressed, she does not falsely pretend that she doesn’t feel those emotions, but she is also mature enough not to act out on them destructively or to complain.

Instead, she adds value to those she comes into contact through through her humanity, her generosity, her concern, her femininity, her deep emotion, and her compassion.

Her smile and her tears have the power to move the world because she is that influential and high value.  (:

 

 

Living from the Inside, Out

Many women, dear reader, will react to a problem in their life by attempting to directly change the external factors that are involved.

 

Long ago in Ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia women understood the importance of our feminine soul.:

 

For example, if a child, friend, lover, or coworker isn’t behaving the way she desires them to, she reacts by either ordering the person involved to change or by complaining and arguing about the undesired behavior.

While simply suppressing one’s feelings and saying or doing nothing doesn’t work, neither does this.

And the reason it doesn’t work is because such a reaction comes out of not understanding that your world is simply a reflection of who you are, and that the only thing you can control  directly is yourself, never the world outside of you.

It’s as though you are looking at the events of life through a mirror, and when you don’t like what you see, you attempt to change what is in the reflection, rather than the source, which will in turn change the reflection.

 

Blush and Bubblegum:

 

This is all a bit abstract, but try it for yourself – the next time there is something in your world you aren’t happy with, stop and figure out what is inside of you that is causing that to show up, and once you identify it, you’ll have the power to change both it and the reflection in your world.

There is a common parable that captures this phenomenon well:

A man who was traveling came upon a farmer working in his field and asked him what the people in the next village were like. The farmer asked “What were the people like in the last village you visited?” The man responded “They were kind, friendly, generous, great people.” “You’ll find the people in the next village are the same,” said the farmer.
Another man who was traveling to the same village came up to the same farmer somewhat later and asked him what the people in the next village were like. Again the farmer asked “What were the people like in the last village you visited?” The second man responded, “They were rude, unfriendly, dishonest people.” “You’ll find the people in the next village are the same,” said the farmer.

Best of luck, dear reader! (:

 

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How to Stop Allowing Your Past to Hold You Back

Unfortunately, dear reader, many women are still held back by things that happened to them in the past, choices they made in the past, or who they were in the past.

In addition, they can be deterred or made to feel less about themselves by naysayers who bring up these topics.

The day you realize, dear reader, that you are never obligated to be the person that you were, that you are never chained to who you were in the past, is the day that none of that can have any power over  you any longer.

 

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“It doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; all that matters is where you’re going.  Never allow yourself to be slowed down or held back by events that have occurred in your past.  Learn from them and let them go.  Resolve to keep yourself focused on the future and where you are going.  Because your future is limited only by your imagination, there are no limits to what you can achieve in the months and years ahead.”

 

The first step to take is total ownership and responsibility of who you were.  You can do this now because you understand that accepting and admitting the reality of the choices you made, the things that happened in your life does not mean that that is who you are now and who you will be.  It is no longer you.  It is who you were.

 

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Once you learn how to separate your sense of identity from that, you stop being defensive.  You let go.  You don’t try to hide or lie from whatever happened in the past, and you are able to move forwards.

And when you move forwards, there is no longer any need to analyze those events, over-think them, try to figure out what could have been done differently, or constantly talk about them with whoever you think can help you.

You have dealt with the problem by making the decision on an identity level.  All you really must do, dear reader, is state to yourself, and believe it, “that’s not who I truly am.”

 

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How to Conduct Yourself with Class and Dignity During a Break-up

The death of a relationship, dear reader, is a trying time emotionally.

You are at your most fragile, feeling vulnerable, and perhaps even unloved or unlovable.  These feelings are all temporary, but in the moment that’s not how they feel – they can feel overwhelming and as if they’ll never go away.

Believe it or not, when emotions run that intensely, and your external world seems to be most in chaos is the exact moment when you need to get the most still and slow down internally.  You need to detach yourself from what is happening, in order to get perspective.

 

Fabian Perez, one of my favorite artists:

 

That does not mean that you deny your emotions or dissociate from them – you are a human being, of course you are going to experience the trying emotions that go along with any kind of loss.

To detach in a health manner means to separate yourself from those emotions.  To become aware of what you are feeling and experiencing, but know that you, who you are is not any of those things.

Have you ever heard the saying that it is often easier to see an issue or a situation in a friend than it is in yourself?

This is because we often have a hard time distancing ourselves from our emotions and our situations enough that we can get the perspective we need.  To achieve this mental flexibility requires a certain frame of mind.

 

Laurence Olivier & Vivien Leigh, a still from "That Hamilton Woman". sigh.....:

 

Why is this important to put in the effort and energy to get still and try to see our own selves from a 3000 foot view when all we want to do is act out, release those emotions, and “vent”?

Because doing any of those things will simply make your situation worse.  Guaranteed.  “Blowing up” someone’s phone (or the more adult versions of this behavior) after a breakup will not bring them back to you.  It will not make them love and respect you more, and more importantly it will make it harder for you to love and respect yourself and feel good about the actions you are taking.

You must respond instead of reacting knowing that the long-term reward for doing so is going to make you feel a whole lot better and ultimately get you what you want.  Doing this requires a discipline as well – you need to give up that short-term release of emotion you get by lashing out or doing anything that shows a less than 100% acceptance of the way things are.

 

#Seductive:

 

You do not argue, you do not plead, and you certainly do not beg.  You accept the situation briefly and professionally – this is hugely important – you are no longer personally or emotionally invested (you will of course still feel invested on that level, but you will not act that way).  You are a woman with grace, class, and dignity!  You take ownership of your emotions and you are able to act in this mature and impressive way because you know that the correct response in these sorts of situations is to simply make a commitment to yourself to do better.  As the saying goes, you do not get bitter, you get better.

Think back to a boyfriend you had in grammar or high-school – you can look back on the experience without any pain even though at the time it probably felt like your world was coming to an end.  This is because you have distance, perspective and because you are no longer the person you were at that time – you have matured and expanded your world-view.  It seems like a brief event hardly worthy of thought.  The exact same thing will happen here, if you make the commitment to act in this way.

“Whenever I feel bad, I use that feeling to motivate me to work harder.  I only allow myself one day to feel sorry for myself.” – Beyonce

If you act in this way, it is guaranteed that you will be seen in a new light and your ex will want you back.  However, that is not the point.  You do not do any of this because you are desperate to be taken back – you do it because you can see past this critical moment and into the future where you do better.  And that better version of you makes whatever has happened seem petty, irrelevant, and like simply a footnote or a stepping stone in the larger story of your life.  That better version of yourself, and the joy and fulfillment you will feel in doing what it takes to become her is the real reward.

 

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The limits of “honesty”

Many people, dear reader, use the excuse of honesty or “just telling the truth” as justification for poor etiquette and poor manners.

 

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For example, it is under no circumstances appropriate to tell someone that he or she is need of losing a few pounds (unless you are a doctor speaking to your patient, and even then it should be done with tact) no matter how true that might be.  

Other ill-advised personal opinions and comments are better kept to one-self in 99% of cases, rather than sharing (or blurting out) unwisely just because it happens to be true.

The truth, dear reader, is a power tool, but it must be used judiciously.  There is a time and a place for its release and it is wisdom and maturity that tells you when it is appropriate – that is, when it will do more good than it will cause damage.

 

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Another aspect of this issue is that of “appearances” versus the “unvarnished truth”.

Many advocate that no attempt should be made to “keep up appearances.”  While if something is truly the matter, we should never pretend it doesn’t exist or not take action to fix it, that doesn’t mean that we have to put unpleasant realities of life on display, or to tell everyone our personal business either.

“A deception that elevates us is dearer than a host of low truths.”

 

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Pretty isn’t Enough

It is said, dear reader, that beauty and youth in a woman are like status and wealth in a man.

There is truth to this, no doubt, but dear reader, you should also be aware that it is simply not enough to be just pretty.

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A woman, if she is to have significance and really attract and hold on to a high value man, as well as to be a true queen, must also have intelligence, grace, style, taste, elegance, wisdom, and most of all class.

Intelligence:

Without it, a woman is simply not a woman.  She is a thoughtless, and absent-minded girl who will need to depend on others.  A woman can cultivate her intelligence in many ways, dear reader, including formal study, self-education (through reading, online courses, etc.), and most of all through association with other intelligent and interesting people.  Most of what is learned, dear reader, is through contacts and associations.  A woman needs to include such associates in her network, not only for general interest and stimulation, but also so that she may be constantly improving her own intellect.

Grace:

A woman and a queen, by definition, dear reader, have grace.  Grace is the ability to seem as though you are unruffled in any situation, and that you belong wherever it is you happen to be, and whomever it is you happen to be with, whether that is the First Lady or the ladies at the bar on a night out.  Grace entails having a thorough understanding of social niceties and of what must be done at all time in order to not to appear awkward, out of place, careless, or thoughtless.

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Style:

A woman must have style dear reader.  And that is her own unique and signature style.  A great woman does not follow trends, she sets them; and she does this by cultivating her own brand.  She does this with taste, and within limits of course, but her outfits are a major way in which people identify and connect with her and her personality.

Taste:

It goes without saying that a woman must also have taste.  A girl doesn’t know the difference between a luxury item and an every-day article.  A woman, on the other hand, absolutely has the quality of discernment and she has learned, either through careful teaching or through experience, how to appropriately value things, clothing, people, opportunities, and all other aspects in her life.  She understands that this is a vital and necessary skill, for without it she will certainly make mistakes, perhaps even struggle, and for sure not end up making it very far.

Elegance:

Elegance is an ease and acceptance of one’s position as a lady of standing.  Elegance is quiet and subtle, but also confident.  Rarely is the quality achieved without a significant level of maturity and class.

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Wisdom:

Wisdom is a highly important quality in a woman, no matter what her station in life, because it is often her wisdom that is called for in dealing with her own conflicts and those of others closest to her.  A woman cannot be a trusted advisor or confidant to her female friends or to her husband or boyfriend if she lacks this quality.  It is very possible for a woman to have intelligence, and yet lack wisdom, and no matter how great the former quality, she almost always suffers for that lack.

Class:

Last of all is class.  Class is knowing how to act appropriately in a variety of different situations that life may throw at you.  Contrary to what you may first assume, dear reader, class is not an exclusive monopoly of the upper class.  For example, class is a great lady hosting a tea, but it is also a young woman giving up her seat to an elderly person on the subway.

Dutchess Kate Middleton. This lady. I love her classiness & style so much.: