Tag Archive | oprah

Finding Your Way

A lot of women, dear reader, don’t really know who they are – instead of confidently going after what it is they want in life, they’re shrinking themselves and settling.

 

“Even the wisest woman you talk to is ignorant of something you may know, but an elegant woman never forgets her elegance.”:

 

They feel defeated and they settle for what they can get, instead of having the faith that they can do and be whatever they set their minds to be.  They are afraid to speak their minds and their truth – they are more worried about how they will come off and upsetting others’ feelings than they are in simply being okay with expressing themselves.

Because of this, true intimacy eludes them.  How can you bond with another, dear reader, if you never let them see or know your true self?  Your true self is what you love, what brings you joy, and it is your authentic feelings.  Many suppress this to the detriment of their health, emotions, well-being, and relationships because they don’t yet know how to express what they are through their words and through their actions with the attitude of take it or leave it.

 

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You can’t create or be who you are if you are trying to be someone else’s mouth-piece.  You need to find your own voice, dear reader.  You must stop thinking of whether what you are about to do or say is going to impress another or bring you the money, love, success, etc that you want, and simply speak from the heart and mind.

This is easier said than done.  Simply trying to “love yourself” doesn’t work – it’s like attempting to pursue happiness or a butterfly directly.

Ask yourself what do I think?  What do I feel about this?  Becoming who you are, dear reader, is largely about learning to make your own decisions.  Many people aren’t able to make even the smallest decisions.  It’s a chicken and egg scenario – they don’t know their values and who they are, so they don’t have much of a compass to guide them in decision-making, and they avoid making decisions, so they don’t have much practice in seeing what’s for them and what isn’t.

 

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Much of the process of becoming who you are is going down wrong avenues and failing.  The problem is that so many women are afraid of getting “lost” or making the wrong choices that they’re not able to get where they need to go.  We tend to magnify things and make them seem as though they are a much bigger deal than they truly are.  You need to give yourself the permission to fail occasionally, because on the course of becoming your true self and reaching your full potential it will happen a lot.  If you make your own decision and it’s wrong, at least it will be your own failure and you can learn from it.  As long as someone else made the choice for you, you won’t learn and you won’t move forwards.

Some things, like cocaine, don’t need to be sampled for you to know that they are harmful, dear reader.  But the only way to really know who you are and what you want in life is to take the chance that you might be wrong.  So what if that fashion internship doesn’t work out?  You aren’t farther away from success and discovering your true self, you are closer!  You’ve placed a certainty in an area that was previously an unknown.

 

ballerina, black & white photo, ballet:

 

The problem is that many have been trained to look at these sorts of explorations as “failures” and then take it personally and feel terrible about themselves when it doesn’t work out, creating an inability to move past that point, or tragically for many, never starting at all.

That same mindset makes dating and relationships for women a nightmare.  A divorced woman is looked upon as a loser.  A girl who just went through a breakup and ended a relationship that wasn’t right for her is pitied when in fact it should be the opposite!  What you need to do, dear reader, is applaud yourself at each step of the way, because the world won’t react when you simply get closer, it will react when you’ve achieved tangible results.

 

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Think of it this way – no one was supporting and cheering on Oprah before she became Oprah.  She didn’t know she was going to one day lead a national talk show and reach the heights of fame, but what she also didn’t do was let others define her or let her think of herself as someone who she wasn’t.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results for others’ people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”

Another aspect of this that can be difficult is that sometimes, your connection to your internal compass will have become weak and it won’t feel as clear as it does at other times.

 

Hear the whisper in the air As the water flows around Listen at the sound As it calms you down:

 

One way to know when you are about to make a wrong decision is if it feels like you are betraying yourself by doing so.  If you have to give up something of yourself up to make it, it will take you farther away.

The majority of people, dear reader, let the world and others mold them into who they become, because they choose to betray themselves and their own wants and needs rather than rejecting and refusing others.  It goes beyond simple people-pleasing.  It’s looked at as something wrong and selfish to act in your own best interests and make choices that others don’t like because it upsets their own comfort and balance in life.

“I’m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life.  I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world.  I run my world.” – Beyonce Knowles

“Your self-worth is determined by you.  You don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are.” – Beyonce Knowles

 

Carmen Dell'Orefice -(Born 1931) Such a stunning woman. Rolex ad.:

 

Yes, the choices you make will affect the people around you, but ultimately you must decide if you are going to become who you are and stay true to yourself or if you are going to remain limited and unsure of yourself because you let another who can never possibly know you as well as you know you make your decisions.  Doing what’s best for you is not going to harm or hurt others.  You need to understand and recognize that reaction from others for what it is so that you can dismiss it and move forwards.  It’s simply a groundless fear of change.

“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.  If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.  I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty every day and if you can source your own life from its presence.”

Some of the hardest choices you will ever make, dear reader, will be the ones in which you have to put yourself first in this way.  It will feel like you need to go backwards and do what is easier and more comfortable in the short-term.  When in search of encouragement for making those decisions, and for help in “bearing the accusation of betrayal” that you will undoubtedly come across, just remember that as hard as that decision is to make, the pain will be temporary – if you make the decision you know isn’t right, instead of a short blow that knocks you out, you’ll be stuck living chronically unfulfilled and unhappy.

 

zenvdaya:     Zendaya for Mane Addicts 2015   Loved by Mrs. Fabulous-Jones:

 

The Power of Association

The feminine woman of excellence understands that while she can be kind and loving to all of humanity, not all of humanity are fit to be her close associates, members of her inner circle.

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That is because, dear reader, we are more affected by our environment and the people around us than we like to admit.  We become exactly what we think and believe, and the mentality of the people you trust and keep close to you will almost invariably become your mentality as well, unless you make a conscious choice to resist it.

If you wish to become wealthy, it’s very unlikely that a person who is in poverty will teach you how you can become so; likewise, if you wish to be happy, loving, kind, and generous, it’s unlikely that a person who is negative, hateful, self-centered, and miserly is going to help you become that person.

When selecting friends and associates, you should seek out those with attributes you would like to develop in your own self; your inner character and outer circumstances will to a large extent be shaped by those choices.

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This is by no means a new concept, but few truly understand how deep this goes, or how relevant it is to their day life and personal affairs.

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm – Proverbs 13:20

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers – Psalm 1:1

Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? – Proverbs 6:27

But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler – not even to eat with such a one – 1 Corinthians 5:11

Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare – Proverbs 22:24-25

I love this coat, but it seems dumb to me to wear it with holy jeans and heels in the winter...

Keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us – 2 Thessalonians 3:6

One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray – Proverbs 12:26

Do not be deceived, bad company ruins good morals – 1 Corinthians 15:33

Think about it carefully, dear reader; when have you ever witnessed a great woman keeping close friendship with someone who is not bettering her as a woman, in some way?  Sure, she may, and often does, spend her time helping those less fortunate than herself, but they are not the people whom she confides in for serious concerns and does not share too much of her inner self with them.  They are not her equals and are simply not qualified to help her better herself on a moral, intellectual, material, or emotional level.

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Great women will keep out of their inner circle those who:

  • Gossip or slander
  • Are boisterous, loud, or uncontrolled
  • Dress in a manner that shows lack of self-respect or morality
  • Are contentious or overly argumentative
  • Lack empathy
  • Criticize or ridicule any other person
  • Are jealous or envious
  • Complain frequently
  • Cheat, lie or steal

Association with anyone who engages in these activities will be damaging to a woman and her femininity.  Have you ever wondered why you are so put off and repulsed by someone who insults you or otherwise emits negativity?  It is because you already know, instinctively and emotionally, if not cognitively, that such behavior will eventually harm you if you allow yourself to be exposed to it for too long.

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Exposure to negativity, dear reader, has the power to destroy one’s health and even one’s life itself.  It is one of the reasons why a man will react so strongly and quickly to avoid a woman who “nags” him, losing whatever love and affection he once had for her, even if at one point he loved her deeply:

“The wife of Count Leo Tolstoi discovered that—after it was too late. Before she passed away, she confessed to her daughters: ‘I was the cause of your father’s death.’ Her daughters didn’t reply. They were both crying. They knew their mother was telling the truth. They knew she had killed him with her constant complaining, her eternal criticisms, and her eternal nagging. Yet Count Tolstoi and his wife ought, by all odds, to have been happy. He was one of the most famous novelists of all time. Two of his masterpieces, War and Peace and Anna Karenina will forever shine brightly among the literary glories of earth.”

This is what I want...Bohemian..beautiful, happy color, everywhere.

This is why it is important for a woman to guard against any negativity in herself and in those she associates with; she must know how to set and maintain boundaries so that she can properly honor herself, as a woman.  For example, association with “friends” who are secretly (or openly) jealous or envious of her, will cause a successful and aspiring woman sadness and other negative emotions, if she truly cares about those people and wishes for them to be close to her.  Those emotions will be unhealthy for her, both physically and mentally.  She may even begin to try to downplay her accomplishments or hide her attributes and excellence in a form of “apology,” which is a great dis-service to her own unique and divine being.

In the worst case scenario, she may even pick up on the habit and learn to wish ill or feel negativity at news of others’ success and joy, even if she had never experienced that in the past.  This is the primary reason why it is of utmost importance to be highly selective about who you share your joy, success, hurt, and truest self with; only a few should be privy to your feminine and human vulnerability.

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“Surround yourself with people who are only going to lift you higher” – Oprah Winfrey

“I think it’s important to get your surroundings as well as yourself into a positive state – meaning surround yourself with positive people, not the kind who are negative and jealous of everything you do.” – Heidi Klum

“You are who you surround yourself with. I know that’s such a cliché quote, but it’s true.” – Selena Gomez

Boundaries: The Art of Saying No

Too many people, dear reader, and especially women, are in desperate need of mastering the art of saying “no.”

Glamorous eyes and flawless facial features, combined with cleavage that hints of beautiful breasts, screams beauty! #Gorgeous!

It would seem simple enough just to emit that two-letter word and stop at that, but in reality it proves far more difficult.

That is because we overcomplicate the matter and bring into it all sort of considerations that only serve to confuse us in the moment when we need to focus and just say No, or preferably, No, thank you.

The woman who can’t say “No” finds herself:

  • Agreeing to go to parties, functions, gatherings because she doesn’t want the host(ess) to think negatively of her
  • Donating to causes she doesn’t believe in – she fears what will happen if she doesn’t give, thinking perhaps that she and others will see her as a selfish and miserly person if she doesn’t
  • Taking on obligations and extra requirements at work without due compensation, and during time which she would prefer to be doing other activities, perhaps weekends and evenings
  • Being put in the “caretaker” role as others assume she wants it, sometimes even without consulting her
  • Doing favors for others that leave her feeling drained, tired, and used
  • Feels the need to drop everything and respond to a phone-call or email, no matter what she is doing or who she is with

Black Farrah Metallic Body-Con Dress this looks so fantastic on the model - but I don't think I could pull it off.

Even worse than this, she may act against her deepest personal values and beliefs in certain situations.  For example, if a woman is averse to drinking, but is at an office party in which coworkers offer and encourage her to drink, she will hold their opinions over and above her own moral code.

The art of saying no is a skill few women can afford to be without – it is a practice that will literally save a woman thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of dollars and hours over the course of her lifetime, while also enabling her to have more fulfilling and rewarding interactions with others.

One reason why a woman might have difficulty saying no is because she has never been taught to build and maintain proper boundaries for herself.  She may act out of fear, or the belief that she is obligated to put the others around her at ease, even if it comes at the cost of her own discomfort and even difficulty.  She will say “yes,” or the all too familiar “sure,” even when everything inside her is screaming “no way!”

This is a prime instance and example of when a woman should pay attention to her emotions and intuition, letting them guide her in decision-making.  Her intentions and what she thinks she is achieving by agreeing to something her intuition tells her not to do always turn out to be quite a distance away from the actual results.

She acts with the belief that people will love, appreciate and respect her more if she sacrifices for them and does for them something which is not in her heart to give.  The effect is that she ignores her own needs and wants, and guides others to do the same.  If she does not respect herself and have important enough things going on in her own life that she needs to, at times, prioritize above demands that come her way from every direction, people are naturally inclined to think that her time is not that valuable and perhaps would be better used serving their needs and wants.  Those with strong character and a highly attuned sense of moral decency will respect, love, and treat her fairly regardless of her choice of action, but there are many, many more who will at best learn to pity a woman with poor boundaries, or at worst use and take advantage of her.

"I waited for my student. This week's piano lesson was all worked out. 'Playing Despite Distractions' I called it."

In a relationship or marriage, this can be lethal.  All too often, a woman will prioritize the needs of the man above herself, with the exact same result.  He loses respect, and therefore something of his original love for her, though he may not be able to consciously verbalize why that is to himself.  The woman may even find herself apologizing for taking the time to do what she wants to do, for example when leaving a room to retire elsewhere, perhaps to read a book.  Such instances may seem innocent and harmless, but the woman would do well to examine them.  Apologizing when not necessary demonstrates that a woman is not in control of herself and lacks awareness of her own value as a unique, divine being, capable and entitled to her own choices and actions.

This woman is not by nature a “doormat,” a coward, or weak, and does not suffer from any sort of permanent defects in character.  She has simply learned a behavior that does not serve her, or those around her.  She needs to unlearn it, and learn that it is right to expect that she consider herself and her wants when making decisions.

Much of society has trained women to behave in this way.  When a woman does say “no,” she may be told that she is arrogant, selfish, heartless, or any number of insults that are simply not true and come from nothing but ignorance.  What a woman needs to understand is that she likely has an unfounded fear of those accusations being true – and because of this, she gives away her power and allows herself to be coerced into saying “yes” when she doesn’t mean it.  What will cure her is the realization that anyone who expects her to do something that she doesn’t want to do, from her heart, is the one who is acting in an immature and selfish manner, taking and expecting her to give while offering nothing to her in return.

When first learning to say “no,” be patient with yourself; aim for progress over time rather than a complete and instant cure.  Behaviors are ingrained patterns learned, in some cases, over the course of decades.  To change those almost instinctive, second-nature responses will take time and awareness.

Eva Mendes Fashion Editorials

To strengthen your resolve, as you will likely get a lot of negative feedback at first, here are some excellent examples of women of exceptional dignity and high character who often say no:

  • Oprah Winfrey – In her book What I Know for Sure, she writes of how she was plagued by “the disease to please” up until her 40s! What changed her was a resolution she made to herself: “I started to examine the intention behind my saying yes when I really meant no.  I was saying yes so people wouldn’t be angry with me, so they would think I was a nice person.  My intention was to make people feel I was the one they could call on, count on, last minute, no matter what.  And that was exactly what my experiences reflected – a barrage of requests in every aspect of my life… I wrote down a few words, which I now keep on my desk: ‘Never again will I do anything for anyone that I do not feel directly from my heart.  I will not attend a meeting, make a phone call, write a letter, sponsor or participate in any activity in which every fiber of my being does not resound yes.  I will act with the intent to be true to myself.“
  • Kate Middleton refusing engagements during her pregnancy: “Kate Middleton’s calendar was said to already be filled with royal engagements for October and November. A royal aide had previously confirmed to the Mail that the Duchess was well enough already to resume with her royal duties.  However, she had pulled out on two of her royal engagements this month. Last October 1, the 32-year-old was supposedly scheduled for a charity visit to London’s Art Room where she is a patron. Instead, in a personally-penned message, she expressed her apologies for not showing up to the disappointed staff and expectant children at the Clore Art Room. She was said to have been ‘hugely disappointed’ at having to pull out of the visit according to Daily Mail. Additionally, the Duchess of Cambridge also “called off” her visit to Old Portsmouth to meet with Olympic sailor Sir Ben Ainslie…”
  • Other Resources and recommended reading material on the subject:
    • “Why Women Have a Hard Time Saying No,” Psychology Today
    • Smart Women Know When to Say No, Dr. Kevin Leman

Beautiful Women to Adore

Differentiation: Classes of Women

As you might be aware, dear reader, there are different classes of girls and women, and not only do they have different characteristics, they attract different classes of men.  They include the queen, lady, empress, goddess, girl, woman, princess, doll, dear, mother, dame, seductress, and muse.

The Four Types Of Classic Women - The Glamorous HousewifeThe ...

A woman may occupy any of these classes, regardless of her wealth, position in society, age, or profession; it is more a function of her behavior, etiquette, and how she decides to use and convey her femininity.  Here are the different levels of women, and what makes them:

  • Queen

The queen, dear reader, is a woman that acts with great dignity and conducts herself with a sense of regal grace and power, no matter how trying the circumstances.  She acts knowing that she represents not only herself and her family, but a greater portion or humanity or a nation as well.  And because of this, she is careful not to tarnish that image by any sort of misbehavior.  She is wise and hears everyone out with great deliberation, but knows her own mind and is not afraid to make her own deliberations, speak it, and act upon it.  She does not deny herself what she needs to hold her position, but has the ability to regulate herself in all things.  She uses her wisdom to support and advise other women within her circle.  She has the strength and courage to do what must be done, no matter if it is at the moment popular or not.  During a difficult time, she is a source of support for a man or a king and during prosperous and fortunate times, she tempers his excesses.  Her naiveté has been replaced with experience and deeper wisdom and perception.  She knows the ways of the world well, and knows how to behave in any situation, never doing or saying anything that would make her appear foolish or diminish her authority.  Examples of the queen include Angela Merkel and Michelle Obama.

Dolce & Gabbana Alta Moda Fall/Winter 2015 couture show in Capri, "La Canzone Del Mare" photographed by Boo George for Vogue Japan October 2014. via trendhunter

  • Lady
    The lady exudes what is called “class” in everything she does. She has a gentler, less weighty, air and tone about her than the queen, but is her equal in refinement and elegance.  Her clothing choices are not too ornate and detailed, but show a neatness and educated modesty.  The lady lacks the flirty naiveté and charming ignorance that marks the girl, but is not afraid to display her softer, more vulnerable side on occasion.  Unlike the queen, she is not the “rock” for those in her inner circle and her man, but she can be counted on to provide sound advice and support from a distance.  She maintains her boundaries and treats herself and those around her with great respect and kindness.  Examples of the lady include Jackie Kennedy, Kate Middleton, and Princess Diana.
  • Empress
    The empress combines the strength and regality of the queen with the feminine command of the seductress. She is aware of her effect, as a woman, and uses that to her advantage.  She is capable of using subtleties and stratagems to influence those around her to do as she wishes.  She takes great care of herself, as a divine being, and will, on occasion, give of herself to who and what she deems deserving of her aura.  She has the ability to change the course of history, and has a wisdom that enables her to transcend the bounds of society and the time and place in which she finds herself.  Cleopatra is an example of the empress.

"Carmen Miranda Reloaded" Vogue Brazil February 2013 - Photography by Giampaolo Sgura

  • Goddess
    The goddess is a spiritual being and exudes her femininity in the form of deep calm and tranquility. Like the empress, she is able to transcend her society and those around her, but chooses to do so in a gentler, more retiring way.  She is content within herself and does not attempt to influence humankind at large.  She lives for beauty and delights in the beautiful – including nature, her own femininity, love, romance, and connection with her intuition.
  • Girl
    The girl, dear reader, has many feminine charms of which she is perhaps only obliquely aware. She follows her heart and intuition and is a source of light for the people in her life, and for a man.  She has the ability to totally enrapture and mesmerize him because she has that quality of childlike playfulness that triggers in him the instinct to protect.  She does not conceive of any ill will from anyone, and because she expects only the good, a man will strive tirelessly to live up to her vision of him.  She gives a new meaning to his existence, but during a difficult time, will not help him hold his weight; she lacks the deep inner wisdom and experience needed to do so, but she will show him great sympathy and inspire him to do whatever is necessary to give her happiness and to provide for her.
  • Woman
    The woman, above all, exudes taste and style. She is fully comfortable with her sexuality and is aware of its effects on a man.  She understands the motives of others and is able to influence and better a man through her knowledge of his thoughts and intentions.  Her staple is the knowing smile and realistic, but optimistic expectations.  She can take care of herself, and is aware of what she gives to a man.  She uses her intelligence, wisdom, and experiences, as well as her femininity to work for what she desires.  An example of the woman is Amal Clooney.

Do you remember Carmen Miranda? - Vogue.it

  • Princess
    The princess has the irresistible lightness and charm of the girl, combined with the belief that she is a special, and one-of-a-kind being. Her high sense of self-esteem and uniqueness are what draw men, and others, to her.  She is aware that others do not always have the best of intentions, but she shelters herself from situations in which she wouldn’t be treated as the special entity she is.  She lives to sprinkle her carefree and charmed effect wherever she goes.  Arianna Grande is an example of the princess.
  • Doll
    The doll lives completely for love, and never questions the fact that she is beautiful, no matter what her form is or what society at large has determined is beautiful. It is for this reason that she can come off as conceited and ignorant, but this particular virtue is also what gives her almost other-worldly beauty and love that goes with it.  She follow the passions of her heart rather than those of her head, though she possesses both; she values the heart above the mind in all things.  She has the effect of the girl, together with a tinge of the effect of the seductress’s confidence and control, on a man.  Examples include Kim Kardashian and Marilyn Monroe.
  • Dear
    The dear is beautiful, but perhaps a bit shy or skittish. She knows her mind well, and is ruled far more by its dictations than by those of the heart.  She has the class of the lady and a bit of the charming graces of the girl.  However, unlike the girl, she is respected universally and men and women alike are wont to correct themselves if they wrong her in some way.  Emma Watson is an example of the dear.

dior

  • Mother
    A woman is not required to have biologically reproduced in order to have the matronly air and effect of the mother. The mother has the wisdom and experience of the queen, and she uses it towards preventing mistakes in others and protecting those she comes into contact with from their own ignorance, and from their own vices.  Like the dear, she is also universally respected; beyond this she is loved and cherished.  When she advises, people listen and pay attention carefully to her words.  Oprah Winfrey is an example of the mother.
  • Dame
    The dame, dear reader, is timeless. She has the wisdom of the mother and the beauty of the doll, but does not value either too highly.  The affairs of the world are not unknown to her, and she is rather amused by some of its absurdity.  Like the mother and the dear, she is respected by all, but she also has a subtle hint of the seductress’s sexual power.  Carmen Dell’Orifice is an example of the dame.

Carmen Dell'Orefice ~ 81 year old model walks the runway at New York Fashion Week

  • Seductress
    The seductress is schooled in the art of love. She does not go about it haphazardly, but delivers it with great skill and mastery.  She captivates and occupies a man’s imagination and has something of the element of surprise – she is anything but predictable and is always several steps ahead of others in her thinking.  She is independent, in thought and in reality, and she uses her femininity to follow her own vision.  Coco Chanel is an example of the seductress.
  • Muse
    The muse, dear reader, uses her feminine insights and knowledge to artfully inspire greatness in others. She exhibits her power through her giving and withholding of useful information, and like the goddess, is more a part of the spiritual and the divine than she is of this earth.  Maya Angelou, Beyonce, and Celine Dion are all examples of the Muse.

The qualities of Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty, are carefree, freedom, spontaneity, energy, and permission