Not focusing on yourself is a major roadblock for many women, dear reader, and it comes in several forms.
First, to clarify what is meant by this – it’s not being self-centered or egocentric or losing your empathy and concern for others. It’s focusing on your own path, your own work, your own unique mission in this world, rather than giving your time, attention and energy to other people or sources.
This can be one of the toughest practices to master – being selfish in the sense that you feed your own spirit and soul by refusing to give away your time, energy, and attention to anything that doesn’t serve that. In contrast, being “selfish” in the negative sense is feeding your ego – it’s pouring attention and energy into your persona. This is always a mistake. Your persona is simply a conduit for your purpose and spirit, it is never the end goal and any energy that ends up feeding it will have an ugly end and turn people off. This comes off in any number of forms, including arrogance, “bitchiness”, and even body image insecurities.
Many women half-learn this and glorify the image of themselves as the “bitch” but if they were fully honest with themselves, they’d know that something still feels off. Focusing on yourself, this sort of selfishness, once you master it, will never result in any sort of “bitchy” or harsh confrontations, because you will be acting out of your soul and spirit, not your ego.
What’s important to remember is that your personality, your body, etc. are there to serve your purpose in life, not to get in the way.
And for the record, (though this issue has nothing to do directly with attracting men), men do not love bitches, counter to what impressions that best-selling title might have given you. They love the boundaries and the ability of these women to say no to others when it doesn’t serve the best interests of their life purpose, soul, and who they are as a woman. They see that the woman knows how to value her own unique self, and the divine within herself. They may tolerate it until they find someone better and more evolved, but they don’t love the abrasive or nasty tendencies of the “bitch.” And, yes, you can achieve one without the other with a bit of practice and by becoming aware of the problem (:
We listen to other people’s ideas of what is self-destructive without ever looking at whether their self and our self have similar needs. Caught in the Virtue Trap, we refuse to ask ourselves, ‘What are my needs? What would I do if it weren’t too selfish?
There are powerful payoffs to be found in staying stuck and deferring nurturing your sense of self. For many, the belief that they must be nice and worry about what will happen with their friends, family, mate if they dare to do what they really want will happen with their friends, family, mate, if they dare to do what they really want to constitutes a powerful reason for non-action. Many sabotage themselves most frequently by making nice. There is a tremendous cost to such ersatz virtue. Many of us have made a virtue out of deprivation. We have embraced a long-suffering anorexia as a martyr’s cross. We have used it to feed a false sense of spirituality grounded in being good, meaning superior.
We strive to be good, to be nice, to be helpful, to be unselfish. We want to be generous, of service, of the world. But what we really want is to be left alone. When we can’t get others to leave us alone, we eventually abandon ourselves. We have checked out. Afraid to appear selfish, we lose our self. We become self-destructive.
What will be tough about this dear reader, is that saying ‘yes’ to yourself and what you really want will first involve you first being honest with yourself about what you really want, and then require you to say ‘no’ to others, over and over again, with no apology.
If you are not used to this, the people around you will likely give you some difficulty:
Mary knows the same thing as she agrees to round five of baby-sitting for her sister so she can go out. Saying no to her sister would be saying yes to herself, and that is a responsibility that Mary just can’t handle. Free on a Friday night? What would she do with herself? That’s a good question, and one of many that Mary has used her virtue to ignore.
If you are in such a habit, to break it is going to require time and courage. Be gentle on yourself. You will fail in certain instances after you make this resolution, go back on your intentions, and then want to get angry at yourself. To make the matter even harder, you need to fight not only yourself, but the protests and resistances of the people whom you have been giving your power away to. However, once you gain clarity and fully see the problem, it will become natural. You will get there.
Another form of this comes in putting your attention into others you do not even know, perhaps sports personalities or celebrities, whether that be admiration or jealousy. This is unnatural and misplaced. These people are simply entertainment and professionals that have mastered their craft.
Instead of pouring your own unique energy and talents into your dreams and life purpose, you pour them into these figures and make them otherworldly gods and goddesses in your own mind. This sort of idol worship needs to go if you are to reach your full potential – see them for what they are, other human beings who have worked very hard to get where they are, but nothing more and certainly not greater or less than you or any other human being on the planet.
Any feelings of competitive jealousy need to go as well. Their vast success isn’t stopping you from achieving your potential – what’s stopping you is that you aren’t focused on yourself and getting to where you are supposed to be, who you are meant to be.
“The world needs you! It needs your heart, ideas, and most importantly, your unique perspective.” – Jetaun Davis